Dear Homeschooling Diary,
Today was one of those days where I wanted to just shut myself in the bedroom with my headphones and hide. Several times I reminded God that this was His idea, not mine and that He needed to show up quick! I knew He would, He always does, I just feel like I'm always waiting! I love the song Misty Edwards sings about being in the waiting room...how sometimes she feels like God's more interested in having conversation than He is in finding the solution. This was me today, "I don't know how to do all this stuff God? I need consistency Lord? Why does everybody hate math?? I hate math too! Why do we need stupid square roots? Why don't they pay attention? Help me, help me, help me; I'm being spun around. I'll go do some laundry and wait for you, K God, could ya hurry up and speak?" Maybe He enjoys me when I squirm? Could it be that He thinks it's cute to watch me try and do for myself what He knows I can't? Trusting and waiting is hard especially when you're running out of peace.
Lesson learned for the day: Don't ever tell a child they've done perfect or are perfect or expect perfection from anyone or anything, self included, ever. Sadie had a major meltdown over a drawing of a bird first thing this morning. Her and Autumn were working on fact books they made about different birds they've been studying. She started out drawing the head then broke down in tears, ran to the couch and covered her head with a blanket. She was really upset saying she didn't like the bird she drew. I was trying to understand and she told me, "you always say it's perfect!" Those words cut me. I knew that she meant there was a standard to which she was comparing her drawing and she didn't feel her best was good enough. I've been telling her her work was perfect all year, didn't think anything of it until today. I can relate to the way she felt on so many levels. It's the same thing I've been doing with this whole home school experience. Even the most successful homeschooling moms I know have told me they never felt like they knew that what they were doing was right? I've decided that the only perfection we can find is in our imperfection. It hurt me so bad to hear my baby say that. I asked her if it was too hard? She said yeah, she'd looked at a lot of pictures of birds in books and none of her drawings looked like those birds. We spent the next hour cleaning out birdhouses instead. I've decided to make a conscious effort to daily embrace the areas of my life that aren't where I'd like them to be. If I'm showing up and doing my best regardless of what I think it should look like, I know I'll produce fruit. One thing I can be sure of, God's work will be perfected in me.
