The first day at home after I got out of treatment I was on my own. Shad had to go back to work and and I had two kids in school full time. Sadie was in preschool but only went three days a week so it was just her and I that day. I guess I felt OK about it, I mean I'd been a stay at home mom for years and wasn't an addict the whole time. I knew I'd have to take it one minute at a time. One of the benefits of aversion therapy is that I had absolutely no desire to drink. All of the physical addiction was gone, the thought of drinking made me sick. Now, I'd have to deal with the mental part of the addiction which meant I'd have to literally transform my way of thinking. Obviously, the way I'd been living before wasn't working for me. I was very obsessive compulsive and had thought patterns running through my head that were very destructive. Armed with positive affirmations, I'd get through my day. Some things would have to slide for sure but I was prepared with the knowledge that my health was more important than the dishes.
That first morning, I sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil. I was going to set a goal for the day. One thing that I would do to be productive was enough to start me off. It was going to be getting Sadie to go to the bathroom by herself. She knew how to use the toilet, I just always had to be there with her when she did. She had just turned five so it was time. That was my goal for the day. If I could work on that and make some progress, everything else could fall to the wayside. It was a good start to my new life. As I sat there pondering ways to accomplish the task at hand my husband called to check on me. I told him the plan of action for the day and sensed his relief that I hadn't fallen back into the old routine. He proceeded to tell me his plans for the day, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary. However, compared to my little goal on my little piece of paper, it seemed like a lot. I sat there for a minute waiting to see if my brain would process what he'd said but it didn't, so we said goodbye and hung up.
I sat at the table thinking about my goal for a long time. It was the first time since I could remember that I was focused on one thing. Nothing else mattered to me but helping Sadie find courage to go potty alone. Looking back on it now I realize that it was my first step toward learning to prioritize. I thought it was my nature to have all burners going at once. If there weren't four or five things going at a time on my watch I was uncomfortable. Kaos had become my friend. When all of that was cleared away and my focus was solely on my child and her well being, everything changed.
Positive affirmations played a key role in my recovery in the beginning. I had to accept the fact that I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of my kids. There was a lot of guilt centered around not being perfect that kept me from receiving love. If my house was out of order, I couldn't relax with my family. Disputes between siblings couldn't be handled because of my temper. I felt loathsome and unworthy of anything good so I drank to numb it all. When I learned how to use positive affirmations, all of that changed. It didn't necessarily happen overnight, my though pattern had to be replaced with another thought pattern and that can take time. Point being, if you say good things to your self and try to believe them, you'll eventually own those thoughts. I had affirmations taped up all around my house to help me remember in the beginning. They would sound something like this: I accept myself unconditionally, I enjoy being me, I'm the best I can be, I'm a worthwhile and valuable person. The most important thing I would tell myself is that I'm saved and that God has a plan for me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
How I Got Here 5...
You wouldn't think that there would be any impending threats at a Christian conference, really, how dangerous could it be? I'm not naive to the fact that there are crazies everywhere but I really wasn't expecting to have any more trouble than making sure no cleavage was showing on my teens. I learned quickly that it was best to stay behind the kids, I felt more secure knowing they were somewhere between me and the wall up front. Periodically I would make a round about the floor to touch base with each one of them, mostly just making eye contact as not to interrupt or embarrass anybody. Once worship started I knew they were all up front and gladly took my place with my friends to worship and intercede for the kids. I felt perfectly safe knowing we were together in one room, all 2,000 of us.
There were more people at the conference the night Cory Asbury lead worship, I think, out of all four nights. Every young Christian girl in Kansas City must have been there. He really knows how to get the crowd involved in lively worship. Kids were jumping up and down, clapping thier hands and crying out to the Lord, literally with all their might. The spirit of intercession had never come upon me as strong as it did there, at least it hadn't at the time and I welcomed it. I figured it was my responsibility and I knew the Lord would be pleased with my obedience.
At one point during worship I saw a great light above me. When I entered into it I heard the words, "THE WOLVES ARE OUT," a shepherd's worst nightmare! I can't describe the terror I felt in that moment. My friend who was next to me obviously didn't hear the voice, if he had he would've been panicked too. I tried to tell him but he just smiled and started talking about something totally unrelated. God was giving me a mission that very moment and all at once my instincts kicked in. I must have circled that conference room ten times looking for my kids. They were there, I knew they were there, but where? My spirit eyes were wide open but all I could see was fog, thick, thick fog. I couldn't tell one face from another until I was right up close so I decided to give up for the moment and went back to my seat to regroup. It couldn't have been more than a minute later that we got a report that all seven kids were front and center, pressing into God.
Tears immediatley flooded my being, it was such a broken feeling. I felt the comfort of the Father wash over me and heard Him say ever so gently, "That's how I feel when one of my sheep are in danger." There was peace and love, deep, deep love in that moment. I'm still not really sure why He let me feel that, other than He wanted to commune with me as a parent and leader. Later that night after all was said and done, He spoke to me again. This time He said, "Where my iniquity doth abound, My grace abound greater." Praise God for His grace!
There were more people at the conference the night Cory Asbury lead worship, I think, out of all four nights. Every young Christian girl in Kansas City must have been there. He really knows how to get the crowd involved in lively worship. Kids were jumping up and down, clapping thier hands and crying out to the Lord, literally with all their might. The spirit of intercession had never come upon me as strong as it did there, at least it hadn't at the time and I welcomed it. I figured it was my responsibility and I knew the Lord would be pleased with my obedience.
At one point during worship I saw a great light above me. When I entered into it I heard the words, "THE WOLVES ARE OUT," a shepherd's worst nightmare! I can't describe the terror I felt in that moment. My friend who was next to me obviously didn't hear the voice, if he had he would've been panicked too. I tried to tell him but he just smiled and started talking about something totally unrelated. God was giving me a mission that very moment and all at once my instincts kicked in. I must have circled that conference room ten times looking for my kids. They were there, I knew they were there, but where? My spirit eyes were wide open but all I could see was fog, thick, thick fog. I couldn't tell one face from another until I was right up close so I decided to give up for the moment and went back to my seat to regroup. It couldn't have been more than a minute later that we got a report that all seven kids were front and center, pressing into God.
Tears immediatley flooded my being, it was such a broken feeling. I felt the comfort of the Father wash over me and heard Him say ever so gently, "That's how I feel when one of my sheep are in danger." There was peace and love, deep, deep love in that moment. I'm still not really sure why He let me feel that, other than He wanted to commune with me as a parent and leader. Later that night after all was said and done, He spoke to me again. This time He said, "Where my iniquity doth abound, My grace abound greater." Praise God for His grace!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Treatment 1
Aversion- A tendency to extinguish a behavior or to avoid a thing or situation and especially a usually pleasurable one because it is or has been associated with a noxious stimulus.
Going to treatment for alcoholism was definitely necessary but why I chose aversion therapy remains to be seen. I guess it goes right along with my extreme personality. Ten days of shock therapy and I'd be good as new. I must have killed a lot brain cells to have had that train of thought? There is only one place in the world, that I know of, that practices this type of therapy and it happens to be in Seattle, Wa. The benefit is that you only spend ten days in the facility then you're off with two years of online counseling and phone-in meetings. It was ideal for my circumstances at the time. I was excited to be there and couldn't wait to get started.
My first trip into the treatment room was a bit of a shock, no pun intended. The nurse that took my paperwork the day before asked me a multitude of questions. I didn't really know what to expect so it didn't seem odd that she wanted to know what I liked to drink. Everything that I liked to drink in fact from wine to beer to tequila. Why did I say tequila? Never should have said tequila! It was all waiting for me in the treatment room the next day.
The room was tiny. There were a few bottles of my select beverage, a few smaller, clear glasses and a rag beside me. There was a mirror directly in front of where I was seated as well as a built in, what looked like, silver mixing bowl. The nurse explained that she was going to give me a shot that would produce sweat, tremors and nausea. After that kicked in I got to drink a substance called emetine. This stuff is nasty! It's made from the ipecac root, which will make you vomit anything that's in your system and then some until the bitter end.
I can't remember what I drank first, it was probably wine. Then beer and maybe some gin. I always finished with tequila. After the initial swish and spit of each drink, I'd have to get the rest down so that it could come back up. I did this with four drinks the first time, in about fifteen minutes. The second treatment was eight drinks, the third was sixteen, the fourth was twenty and the final treatment was twenty-five. By the time the last call came around I had built up such a resistance I was dry heaving because I couldn't get the glass to my lips. It didn't stop in that room though.
After leaving the treatment room itself, I was escorted back to my room. The next part was the worst, in my opinion. I was still pretty nauseous and had cold sweats. The nurse took a rag and doused it with all kinds of putrid alcohol, set it next to my bed with my puke bucket and all of the empty bottles I drank in the treatment room were scattered around me. It was the first time in thirty-something years I had to wear a diaper. After about fifteen minutes alone in my room the nurse comes in with a shot glass. It was half full of emetine and half full of warm beer and hard liquor. I had to drink the shot and hope it would come up. If it didn't, I had to gag myself to get the emetine out of my stomach. I then had to stay in my room to "reflect" on my situation for three hours.
Being alone in my room that day terrified me. I can't describe the panic that was going on inside of me. There was no one to blame for all the wrong I'd done. All the guilt that had accumulated over the years came creeping up on me. I'd neglected my kids, lied to my husband, lied to myself, my family, my friends. I'd publicly humiliated myself, put my family in debt, lost the trust of my children. I became something I was not. What could I do to defend myself? After my Grandpa died, I inherited his bible. Why me, I thought at the time. The only book I'd ever looked at was the book of Revelation, only because Grandpa talked to me about it once. One time, that was it. Nevertheless, there was a holiness about the bible and I brought it with me to be closer to my Grandpa during my treatment.
Those three hours changed my life. As I sat there on my hospital bed, defensless, I could feel a tugging at my heart. I looked over to where the bible was sitting under my nightstand. It was almost beckoning me. I picked it up, clutched it to me heart, and prayed a simple prayer. I said "God, save me." Immediately something changed. I can't explain to you what happened but something changed in me that very minute. I began to write everything that I was sorry for. Then I wrote everything I wanted to change. I finished by counting my blessings. I felt peace and joy and hope in that hour.
I made it through the rest of my treatment with utter peace and joy in my heart. I felt God's presence near me as a coach during every session. I renounced some of the lies I'd bought during that time and even quit smoking cold turkey, four months later. I made a lot of freinds that I continued to be in contact with over the first year, unfortunatley all but one relapsed.
Going to treatment for alcoholism was definitely necessary but why I chose aversion therapy remains to be seen. I guess it goes right along with my extreme personality. Ten days of shock therapy and I'd be good as new. I must have killed a lot brain cells to have had that train of thought? There is only one place in the world, that I know of, that practices this type of therapy and it happens to be in Seattle, Wa. The benefit is that you only spend ten days in the facility then you're off with two years of online counseling and phone-in meetings. It was ideal for my circumstances at the time. I was excited to be there and couldn't wait to get started.
My first trip into the treatment room was a bit of a shock, no pun intended. The nurse that took my paperwork the day before asked me a multitude of questions. I didn't really know what to expect so it didn't seem odd that she wanted to know what I liked to drink. Everything that I liked to drink in fact from wine to beer to tequila. Why did I say tequila? Never should have said tequila! It was all waiting for me in the treatment room the next day.
The room was tiny. There were a few bottles of my select beverage, a few smaller, clear glasses and a rag beside me. There was a mirror directly in front of where I was seated as well as a built in, what looked like, silver mixing bowl. The nurse explained that she was going to give me a shot that would produce sweat, tremors and nausea. After that kicked in I got to drink a substance called emetine. This stuff is nasty! It's made from the ipecac root, which will make you vomit anything that's in your system and then some until the bitter end.
I can't remember what I drank first, it was probably wine. Then beer and maybe some gin. I always finished with tequila. After the initial swish and spit of each drink, I'd have to get the rest down so that it could come back up. I did this with four drinks the first time, in about fifteen minutes. The second treatment was eight drinks, the third was sixteen, the fourth was twenty and the final treatment was twenty-five. By the time the last call came around I had built up such a resistance I was dry heaving because I couldn't get the glass to my lips. It didn't stop in that room though.
After leaving the treatment room itself, I was escorted back to my room. The next part was the worst, in my opinion. I was still pretty nauseous and had cold sweats. The nurse took a rag and doused it with all kinds of putrid alcohol, set it next to my bed with my puke bucket and all of the empty bottles I drank in the treatment room were scattered around me. It was the first time in thirty-something years I had to wear a diaper. After about fifteen minutes alone in my room the nurse comes in with a shot glass. It was half full of emetine and half full of warm beer and hard liquor. I had to drink the shot and hope it would come up. If it didn't, I had to gag myself to get the emetine out of my stomach. I then had to stay in my room to "reflect" on my situation for three hours.
Being alone in my room that day terrified me. I can't describe the panic that was going on inside of me. There was no one to blame for all the wrong I'd done. All the guilt that had accumulated over the years came creeping up on me. I'd neglected my kids, lied to my husband, lied to myself, my family, my friends. I'd publicly humiliated myself, put my family in debt, lost the trust of my children. I became something I was not. What could I do to defend myself? After my Grandpa died, I inherited his bible. Why me, I thought at the time. The only book I'd ever looked at was the book of Revelation, only because Grandpa talked to me about it once. One time, that was it. Nevertheless, there was a holiness about the bible and I brought it with me to be closer to my Grandpa during my treatment.
Those three hours changed my life. As I sat there on my hospital bed, defensless, I could feel a tugging at my heart. I looked over to where the bible was sitting under my nightstand. It was almost beckoning me. I picked it up, clutched it to me heart, and prayed a simple prayer. I said "God, save me." Immediately something changed. I can't explain to you what happened but something changed in me that very minute. I began to write everything that I was sorry for. Then I wrote everything I wanted to change. I finished by counting my blessings. I felt peace and joy and hope in that hour.
I made it through the rest of my treatment with utter peace and joy in my heart. I felt God's presence near me as a coach during every session. I renounced some of the lies I'd bought during that time and even quit smoking cold turkey, four months later. I made a lot of freinds that I continued to be in contact with over the first year, unfortunatley all but one relapsed.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
"Salvation"
This is a poem God gave me one very early morning a few months back.
It is His voice speaking to me individually as well as the whole body of Christ.
"Salvation"
To the cross
Under sentence
Of Satan
You came.
All my life
I lay down
For your soul
I did claim.
Redeemed by His Grace
Through My blood shed that day
When I saw you dying
I plead your case.
I said,
"Father, forgive her she knows not what she does."
Someday through children
She'll come to this cross
To lay down her life
Like I've done for You
Give her new breath
Make all things new.
Set before her a path
That is narrowly seen
Show her the treasure on the way
She may glean
For the kingdom of heaven must be earnestly sought
Let her not miss a step
Every one, I have bought.
Shine Your light guiding
The way she should go
Give her seed all along the way
She should sow.
Bring her quickly
For the kingdom of heaven is near
My beloved bride crying out
Is what I long to hear.
It is His voice speaking to me individually as well as the whole body of Christ.
"Salvation"
To the cross
Under sentence
Of Satan
You came.
All my life
I lay down
For your soul
I did claim.
Redeemed by His Grace
Through My blood shed that day
When I saw you dying
I plead your case.
I said,
"Father, forgive her she knows not what she does."
Someday through children
She'll come to this cross
To lay down her life
Like I've done for You
Give her new breath
Make all things new.
Set before her a path
That is narrowly seen
Show her the treasure on the way
She may glean
For the kingdom of heaven must be earnestly sought
Let her not miss a step
Every one, I have bought.
Shine Your light guiding
The way she should go
Give her seed all along the way
She should sow.
Bring her quickly
For the kingdom of heaven is near
My beloved bride crying out
Is what I long to hear.
How I Got Here 4...
I talk about being in the presence of God because it was there that I received the command to home school. You might be thinking I'm crazy right about now. You may be thinking how could an ordinary person "get a command" like that? I'm not Moses or anything. Simply a recovering alcoholic, amateur youth leader that has kids with issues. Really, I'm about as broke down as they get. I could write a whole book on reasons why I should not be allowed to run my own life. Plain and simple, when I gave my life over to Jesus, I surrendered control. That doesn't mean that I don't point out what I don't like about my life to God, it means I follow His lead regardless. I'm willing to let Him direct my feet on this path we call life. The Bible tells us that the road to righteousness is a narrow path and that few will find it but that for those that do, great blessing will be upon them. I'm pretty sure I found it. I think I hit the jackpot on this one! Going against the grain of society hasn't gained me a whole lot of popularity, in fact it has cost me a lot. However, it is in the presence of God that I've found peace, love, and acceptance for my brokenness.
One of the things the Lord wanted to teach me in KC was how to shepherd a flock. Jesus 101-herding. It's not as simple as you might think. I had four children I was to look after in a conference filled with about 2,000 people. The cell phones had to be fully charged and turned on at all times! Period. My friends that we stayed with were amazing throughout this whole thing too, they were there to support me the whole entire time. They are such compassionate, caring people to do what they do on a regular basis. My family has been blessed by them so very much. We set up shop in the conference room and the kids were free to roam the room and the main floor. Once the music started they flooded to the front of the room and remained until it was over. I was content until one afternoon when I had an experience with a woman whom I'll never forget.
When she came walking towards me I knew she meant business. I'd never met her before but that didn't matter, I could sense the urgency. She said the building right next to the one we were in was going to be releasing a film at midnight that would affect the spiritual realm of our nation and glorify the kingdom of darkness. If you know me well enough, you'll know this sort of thing is right up my narrow alley. Jesus has commissioned us to take authority of principalities and powers of darkness to cast them down. So what did we do? We locked hands and started to pray. I felt the power of God hit me like a ton of bricks that day and I burst into a holy bonfire right there. I can't explain why she chose me to pray with except to say that God knew I was the right person and led her to me. I was glad for it. It was later that night I would get a real test.
One of the things the Lord wanted to teach me in KC was how to shepherd a flock. Jesus 101-herding. It's not as simple as you might think. I had four children I was to look after in a conference filled with about 2,000 people. The cell phones had to be fully charged and turned on at all times! Period. My friends that we stayed with were amazing throughout this whole thing too, they were there to support me the whole entire time. They are such compassionate, caring people to do what they do on a regular basis. My family has been blessed by them so very much. We set up shop in the conference room and the kids were free to roam the room and the main floor. Once the music started they flooded to the front of the room and remained until it was over. I was content until one afternoon when I had an experience with a woman whom I'll never forget.
When she came walking towards me I knew she meant business. I'd never met her before but that didn't matter, I could sense the urgency. She said the building right next to the one we were in was going to be releasing a film at midnight that would affect the spiritual realm of our nation and glorify the kingdom of darkness. If you know me well enough, you'll know this sort of thing is right up my narrow alley. Jesus has commissioned us to take authority of principalities and powers of darkness to cast them down. So what did we do? We locked hands and started to pray. I felt the power of God hit me like a ton of bricks that day and I burst into a holy bonfire right there. I can't explain why she chose me to pray with except to say that God knew I was the right person and led her to me. I was glad for it. It was later that night I would get a real test.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
How I Got Here 3...
The Youth Group had a really awesome opportunity to go to a conference at the IHOP Misisons base in Kansas City that coming July. We had to raise about $2,000.00 in order to go and we only had a few months to do it. Raising funds with a bunch of teens is hard work. If you know anything about this species of human you'll understand where I'm coming from. I have to say that for all the money we earned for our trip God must have matched it because I honestly don't know where it came from. Also, my friends that I mentioned earlier, who had moved to Kansas City, insisted that the kids all stay with them which turned out to be one of the biggest blessings for me. It was a lot of hard work and concious effort for all so we were thrilled when we got the call from our Youth Pastor one night to let us know we'd done it and he was booking the airfare, it was finally happening. Then he tells me that not only were the kids on their way but I was too!!! Wow, I thought, I'm being "sent" somewhere with our youth group. I thought I knew what I was in for but that would soon be challenged.
I can't tell you all that happened during my visit to Kansas City, that will have to be for another time. What I can tell you about is what God did with me in the midst of these teens. I was responsible for four of them altogether. How was I going to get the other three to respond to me if I couldn't even get my own daughter too. Like I said before, my oldest daughter has trust issues with me. I did a lot of damage while I was in my disease. Getting her to pay any attention to me was like asking her to walk out in front of a moving bus, literally. This would prove to be a challenge as all four of these kids had issues. Thankfully, I wasn't going to be alone. Another mother and dear friend was going to come with her two girls plus I knew my friends in KC would be there to help. What I didn't know was what God was going to be doing with me during this time. Remember, I was going along because of the kids. I felt really "lucky" to be going. I didn't realize that God had a purpose much greater than I could see.
Let me tell you something about myself. I like to do things my way. I like to take things on with an iron fist and acomplish the impossible so that I can feel like I'm worth something to the world. Well, that used to be true anyway. I used to think that way until God showed me His way which was much easier of course. My going along with the kids to IHOP was a big responsibility for me. I wanted to be sure that things went smoothly, the kids behaved, paid attention, and got what we were going for. I really felt like God was going to be training me to be a youth leader. What I didn't realize was that I already was and had been assuming that role in my own home. This trip was about taking these kids to the "Disneyland of Christians" and making sure they all got a big dose of God, then they were going to come back on fire for Jesus and revival would break out in the high school. I was doing my part by going along for the ride and making sure cell phones were off during service. Wow, I wonder what the trip would have been like if I'd have gone expecting more.
If you've ever been in the presence of God, you'll know what a terrible and wonderful place it can be. The two really go hand in hand. I hear people say all the time, "How can it be terrible? If God is so good and kind it should be nothing more than wonderful. God isn't scary, God can't be mean." The truth is that it's God's kindness to shake us up and make us feel uncomfortable. It was God's kindness to bring me to the place of disaster that led me to treatment and it was His kindess that caused me to nearly lose my famiy. This kindness can seem terrible at the time but God is a righteous judge and whatever He chooses to do will always be right. Being in His presence is the same way. Whatever truth God chooses to speak to you in that place will carry accountability. I have learned to embrace this although I don't always want to. Often times a change will be necessary to accomplish His will and I don't always want change, it's uncomfortable. Bottom line is this, it's really that way for all of us. If we choose to enter fully into the presence of God, it means we must first lay everything down. Becoming transparent to God can be scary, especially to a teenager.
I can't tell you all that happened during my visit to Kansas City, that will have to be for another time. What I can tell you about is what God did with me in the midst of these teens. I was responsible for four of them altogether. How was I going to get the other three to respond to me if I couldn't even get my own daughter too. Like I said before, my oldest daughter has trust issues with me. I did a lot of damage while I was in my disease. Getting her to pay any attention to me was like asking her to walk out in front of a moving bus, literally. This would prove to be a challenge as all four of these kids had issues. Thankfully, I wasn't going to be alone. Another mother and dear friend was going to come with her two girls plus I knew my friends in KC would be there to help. What I didn't know was what God was going to be doing with me during this time. Remember, I was going along because of the kids. I felt really "lucky" to be going. I didn't realize that God had a purpose much greater than I could see.
Let me tell you something about myself. I like to do things my way. I like to take things on with an iron fist and acomplish the impossible so that I can feel like I'm worth something to the world. Well, that used to be true anyway. I used to think that way until God showed me His way which was much easier of course. My going along with the kids to IHOP was a big responsibility for me. I wanted to be sure that things went smoothly, the kids behaved, paid attention, and got what we were going for. I really felt like God was going to be training me to be a youth leader. What I didn't realize was that I already was and had been assuming that role in my own home. This trip was about taking these kids to the "Disneyland of Christians" and making sure they all got a big dose of God, then they were going to come back on fire for Jesus and revival would break out in the high school. I was doing my part by going along for the ride and making sure cell phones were off during service. Wow, I wonder what the trip would have been like if I'd have gone expecting more.
If you've ever been in the presence of God, you'll know what a terrible and wonderful place it can be. The two really go hand in hand. I hear people say all the time, "How can it be terrible? If God is so good and kind it should be nothing more than wonderful. God isn't scary, God can't be mean." The truth is that it's God's kindness to shake us up and make us feel uncomfortable. It was God's kindness to bring me to the place of disaster that led me to treatment and it was His kindess that caused me to nearly lose my famiy. This kindness can seem terrible at the time but God is a righteous judge and whatever He chooses to do will always be right. Being in His presence is the same way. Whatever truth God chooses to speak to you in that place will carry accountability. I have learned to embrace this although I don't always want to. Often times a change will be necessary to accomplish His will and I don't always want change, it's uncomfortable. Bottom line is this, it's really that way for all of us. If we choose to enter fully into the presence of God, it means we must first lay everything down. Becoming transparent to God can be scary, especially to a teenager.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
How I Got Here 2....
The first time I'd ever even heard of homeschooling was a few years back. A friend of my oldest daughter was taken out of school in the sixth grade to be home schooled. I remember feeling kinda bummed because this was one of the kids that I actually really liked. I didn't know anything about home school nor did I ever considered it myself until I met a couple in my church that home schooled their three grandchildren. These people became very dear to me as we became a part of the same vision for the church and I really enjoyed listening to their stories. They had come through a lot, literally, against all odds and I found them very inspiring. I was very blessed by them and sad when they moved on to Kansas City. They talked to me about homeschooling my girls but it wasn't what I wanted to be doing...at least it wasn't yet.
I grew up in public school just like everybody else and truthfully, by the time my kids were old enough to attend, I was thrilled to be able to send them off. My Grandmother used to say "Public school is a wonderful institution, for Children and Mothers." I couldn't agree more. I loved the idea of having my "own" time to catch up on housework or whatever else I wanted to do. My husband and I made the decision in the beginning that I would be a stay at home mother until all our kids were in school full time. That was our plan. After going through treatment for alcoholism we decided it might be best to wait a year so I could focus time on myself for once. The first year all three were in school at the same time was the last and I did whatever I wanted. Most days I would sit and listen to the IHOP prayer room web stream all day long. You might think of that as being a waste of time but it was during those days that I really developed a relationship with the Lord. I was literally spending hours a day in prayer. It was great! I learned so much about God during that time. I was a little grieved when I found out I had to give that up among other things.
My oldest daughter, who was in the seventh grade at the time, started having the issues we all did in adolescence. There were many hostile moments between the two of us most of which were rooted in rejection. In attempt to help her find positive influence, we started attending youth group meetings. She didn't want anything to do with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or anybody who knew anything about them, including me. However, she did get along with some of the kids from the church so it didn't seem like such a loss for her to attend. I would stay and sit in the back, listen, try and make myself invisible, but mostly I would pray for her. I wanted so desperately for her to be touched by God the way He'd touched me. I was sick that our relationship was wrecked and that I had done it and couldn't get back the years I should have spent with her instead of being drunk. The years between ten and twelve when girls go through that massive change and I missed it with her. It was devastating. My other two were flourishing but she was deeply hurt by my betrayal. My only hope was in God and He came through! Boy did He come through.
To be continued
I grew up in public school just like everybody else and truthfully, by the time my kids were old enough to attend, I was thrilled to be able to send them off. My Grandmother used to say "Public school is a wonderful institution, for Children and Mothers." I couldn't agree more. I loved the idea of having my "own" time to catch up on housework or whatever else I wanted to do. My husband and I made the decision in the beginning that I would be a stay at home mother until all our kids were in school full time. That was our plan. After going through treatment for alcoholism we decided it might be best to wait a year so I could focus time on myself for once. The first year all three were in school at the same time was the last and I did whatever I wanted. Most days I would sit and listen to the IHOP prayer room web stream all day long. You might think of that as being a waste of time but it was during those days that I really developed a relationship with the Lord. I was literally spending hours a day in prayer. It was great! I learned so much about God during that time. I was a little grieved when I found out I had to give that up among other things.
My oldest daughter, who was in the seventh grade at the time, started having the issues we all did in adolescence. There were many hostile moments between the two of us most of which were rooted in rejection. In attempt to help her find positive influence, we started attending youth group meetings. She didn't want anything to do with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or anybody who knew anything about them, including me. However, she did get along with some of the kids from the church so it didn't seem like such a loss for her to attend. I would stay and sit in the back, listen, try and make myself invisible, but mostly I would pray for her. I wanted so desperately for her to be touched by God the way He'd touched me. I was sick that our relationship was wrecked and that I had done it and couldn't get back the years I should have spent with her instead of being drunk. The years between ten and twelve when girls go through that massive change and I missed it with her. It was devastating. My other two were flourishing but she was deeply hurt by my betrayal. My only hope was in God and He came through! Boy did He come through.
To be continued
How I Got Here...
Never in a million years could I have come up with this idea on my own. I'm radical, not crazy. Homeschooling is for people who are paranoid and have no life outside of their homes. Well aren't I a work in progress? Two and a half years ago I was an alcoholic on the verge of losing my family, how did I get from there to here? The answer is very simple. It was God. I did the treatment and all that to get the physical addiction out of my life but something happened to me during my ten days in that center. I called out to God, earnestly called out, and He saved me that day. He gave me beauty for ashes and that's when it all started. People say I don't take enough credit for how far I've come since then but the truth is, God set it all up. I follow Him because I know what life without Him is like and it's my honor to give Him the credit.
When I got out of treatment I knew I had to do my part and serve God. I got hooked up with a church that attended to my needs immediately. I can't even explain how perfect the circumstances were that got me involved with this group of people. Let me just sum it all up by saying "It could only be God." These people welcomed me with the most open, loving arms I've ever known. I began the road to recovery with others who had been where I'd been and felt very comfortable and open about sharing my experiences as well as my deepest fears. I knew God had a plan for my life but at that time I just wanted to serve God to sort of repay (for lack of better word) Him for what He'd done for me. I asked what I could do to help at the church and it just so happened they had opened up a soup kitchen but needed someone to cook. It was really perfect for me, I had two in school and one in preschool, so time I had, but what I didn't know was that it was all part of my recovery. Neither did I know the people coming in either were or used to be addicts of some type. Being a part of that soup kitchen is and has played a major role in my own healing as an addict. I can't explain it really except to say that I finally had some purpose. I was so full of gratitude towards God for giving me my joy again that I would have done anything He asked me....except homeschooling.
To be continued...
When I got out of treatment I knew I had to do my part and serve God. I got hooked up with a church that attended to my needs immediately. I can't even explain how perfect the circumstances were that got me involved with this group of people. Let me just sum it all up by saying "It could only be God." These people welcomed me with the most open, loving arms I've ever known. I began the road to recovery with others who had been where I'd been and felt very comfortable and open about sharing my experiences as well as my deepest fears. I knew God had a plan for my life but at that time I just wanted to serve God to sort of repay (for lack of better word) Him for what He'd done for me. I asked what I could do to help at the church and it just so happened they had opened up a soup kitchen but needed someone to cook. It was really perfect for me, I had two in school and one in preschool, so time I had, but what I didn't know was that it was all part of my recovery. Neither did I know the people coming in either were or used to be addicts of some type. Being a part of that soup kitchen is and has played a major role in my own healing as an addict. I can't explain it really except to say that I finally had some purpose. I was so full of gratitude towards God for giving me my joy again that I would have done anything He asked me....except homeschooling.
To be continued...
God is the Ultimate Bomb Diffuser
This is one example of how God can take an off day and make it a great day.
Today was Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday and the kids were a bit whiny and grumpy. It was difficult to get through each lesson, we actually cut them a little short because the kiddos were getting so overwhelmed. When we finally made it through the core subjects it was time for chores. That's when things started to get bad. There was whining and complaining directed at me but it got worse for the girls as they turned on each other. The things they said to each other...the crying, the slapping, and the destruction of toys - it was horrible! Any mother knows how it hurts to see and hear your children blasting each other. The worst part was, all three were in on it. If one was in another room, she would make her way into the kaos just to throw on some more fuel. This was all over cleaning up a mess!! I waited patiently on the Lord for word on what to do (I tend to want to scream in these situations) so when I got it I walked calmly into the room, gathered some of the mess, and took it to the trash. Needless to say panic broke out and the mess got cleaned up rather quickly. Once everything settled down I felt the Lord saying "Time for a bible study."
I got this book called God what's your name by Kay Arthur from one of my home school supporters. It's a great guide for learning how to do a bible study with little ones if you've never done one before. I opened up to where we left off and if you know God, you won't be surprised at what the study was about. It was on Joseph! If you don't know Joseph's story I encourage you to read it, especially if you have sibling rivalry going on in your house. It's in Genesis and starts around chapter 40. Joseph had some brothers who weren't very nice to him in fact, they were going to kill him because they had some major jealousy issues. Joseph endured all kinds of hardships on account of his brothers. Wow! Good timing Lord, perfect illustration of how getting mad at your siblings can turn out bad! He then prompted me to teach my girls the five love languages, something that hadn't occurred to me before. As they took turns giving examples out loud of each love language, I sensed a change in the atmosphere. There is something great that comes along with knowing the truth and that is accountability. We set up a system where whenever someone does something that is showing love to another in the home, the one who is receiving will write the act of kindness or record the hug down on a piece of paper and then put it in the bag we set up. My goal is to find out my children's primary love language but also to give them the opportunity to practice loving one another because loving someone is a choice. The icing on the cake came when the girls found "Joseph, king of dreams" on netflix, the very same bible story they just studied. I'm praising God all day on a day like this. He never fails to come through for us when we devote time to studying His word. It's so simple and so easy to do and whatever problem you're facing, God will turn it into a lesson that lasts a lifetime. Isn't God Awesome!!
Today was Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday and the kids were a bit whiny and grumpy. It was difficult to get through each lesson, we actually cut them a little short because the kiddos were getting so overwhelmed. When we finally made it through the core subjects it was time for chores. That's when things started to get bad. There was whining and complaining directed at me but it got worse for the girls as they turned on each other. The things they said to each other...the crying, the slapping, and the destruction of toys - it was horrible! Any mother knows how it hurts to see and hear your children blasting each other. The worst part was, all three were in on it. If one was in another room, she would make her way into the kaos just to throw on some more fuel. This was all over cleaning up a mess!! I waited patiently on the Lord for word on what to do (I tend to want to scream in these situations) so when I got it I walked calmly into the room, gathered some of the mess, and took it to the trash. Needless to say panic broke out and the mess got cleaned up rather quickly. Once everything settled down I felt the Lord saying "Time for a bible study."
I got this book called God what's your name by Kay Arthur from one of my home school supporters. It's a great guide for learning how to do a bible study with little ones if you've never done one before. I opened up to where we left off and if you know God, you won't be surprised at what the study was about. It was on Joseph! If you don't know Joseph's story I encourage you to read it, especially if you have sibling rivalry going on in your house. It's in Genesis and starts around chapter 40. Joseph had some brothers who weren't very nice to him in fact, they were going to kill him because they had some major jealousy issues. Joseph endured all kinds of hardships on account of his brothers. Wow! Good timing Lord, perfect illustration of how getting mad at your siblings can turn out bad! He then prompted me to teach my girls the five love languages, something that hadn't occurred to me before. As they took turns giving examples out loud of each love language, I sensed a change in the atmosphere. There is something great that comes along with knowing the truth and that is accountability. We set up a system where whenever someone does something that is showing love to another in the home, the one who is receiving will write the act of kindness or record the hug down on a piece of paper and then put it in the bag we set up. My goal is to find out my children's primary love language but also to give them the opportunity to practice loving one another because loving someone is a choice. The icing on the cake came when the girls found "Joseph, king of dreams" on netflix, the very same bible story they just studied. I'm praising God all day on a day like this. He never fails to come through for us when we devote time to studying His word. It's so simple and so easy to do and whatever problem you're facing, God will turn it into a lesson that lasts a lifetime. Isn't God Awesome!!
Learning how..
I've never really thought about keeping record of my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, however, I know it can be an important learning tool so I'm going to give it a try. I really don't know who's learning more through this, the kids or myself? Honestly, I don't. Did I ever learn those grammar rules?? If I had to choose the most important thing I've learned so far this year, it would be that each child learns differently. I cannot expect what works with one kid to work for all three, it's not even worth it to try. I do not know how teachers in the public school do it?! Also, I had to totally move past the idea that my house had to become a school room in order to function, it just wasn't happening. In fact, I'm eternally grateful to the woman who taught me the difference between a school room and learning. She said, "Learning is a verb, school is a noun." That was my first lesson and pretty much the principle on which I teach. If my kids are learning something every day and they're making progress then we're on track. The world is our school room, we can't limit education to any single place. Now that we're sort of "in the groove" of things, my goal is to record some of the daily lessons that we acquire through our real life experiences of learning. They don't come to me in familiar form, in fact I usually can't even see them coming. We have a routine that we attempt to follow but often times the Lord intervenes with a much greater lesson than just reading and math. Often we'll get all our subjects in on just one bible study. I love and welcome this because it stimulates me and as a result the kids get more out of whatever I'm to teach. It's not always easy..we have our "off" days but there is always a lesson to be learned.
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