My word from the Lord this morning came from Psalm 27:13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  As I began to meditate on that and process all of the places in my soul that the Lord has walked me through over the last year, my heart wandered back to a place where I was as a young girl.  I was with my dad and he was teaching me how to drive for the first time high up in the mountains. We had this gigantic Jimmy that was blue and white.  The steering was so sensitive that if you so much as sneezed and moved the wheel, you could end up on the wrong side of the 'road'.  My family spent the summer time in the same mountains my dad would hunt in the fall and he knew every inch of those woods.  I completely trusted him as he took me up in the canyons in that gargantuan GMC.  There were really only two rules he gave me:  1.  If a logging truck comes flying at you from around the corner, get as far over to the other side of the one lane road as you can without going into the ditch, or else that truck would be in my lap. 2.  Don't go off the other side of the road, which was the cliff side, or we would both be dead.  That may seem like a pretty dramatic way for a father to teach his little girl how to drive, but in all actuality, my dad was instilling valuable principles in me that would help me walk through storms that would no doubt come in my life.  My belief was that my dad was going to teach me how to become a good driver and that I just had to trust in his ways in order for it to be so.

As I thought about those canyons from so long ago, the Lord took me to this passage of scripture in Deuteronomy 2:3 You have skirted this mountain long enough; turn northward.  I read on about how Moses was to lead the Israelites through Edom, Moab, and Ammon peacefully.  This was no easy feat! These were not good folk and they let the Israelites know they wanted nothing to do with them. God instructed them not to make any kind of waves at all, he required the utmost standard of obedience. It was for what was to come next. Deuteronomy 2:24-25 “Arise, set out, and pass through the valley of Arnon. Look! I have given Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land into your hand; begin to take possession and contend with him in battle. ‘This day I will begin to put the dread and fear of you upon the peoples everywhere under the heavens, who, when they hear the report of you, shall tremble and be in anguish because of you.’

When I read about the battle at Heshbon, I knew there was more to it so I first inquired about the Arnon river gorge that they first had to cross.  I learned that the name Arnon means "rushing torrent". It was an important place in biblical times as it was a much sought after border territory.  The trench was 1700 feet deep and two miles wide.  Imagine the terrain!  It was not without faith that they would cross this valley, the Lord had given them hope that they would attain the land that Sihon possessed.  I applied this knowledge to my own life in that the pursuit of victory can be very taxing on the soul.  Obedience to God to do 'whatever' He asks to take on territory is not a walk in the park.  He likens it to crossing 1700 foot trenches of jagged sandstone and that's just the preparation for the battle!  Let's not mention the weariness they were already experiencing from crossing through Edom, Moab, and Ammon without fulfilling basic needs.  I'll bet they had a better appreciation for the manna God provided after that!

Sihon, king of Heshbon, also refused to let the Israelites pass through.  Heshbon was his capital, his stronghold but the Lord strengthened His people and they took it by the edge of the sword. It was given to the Israelites upon their entry to the promised land, just as the Lord said it would be.  That is seeing God's goodness in the land of the living!  Perhaps the thing about Heshbon that I find most intriguing in not anything mentioned about it in Deuteronomy or Numbers but in the Song of Solomon 7:4.  It says, "Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.  Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks towards Damascus." For the Shulamite's eyes to be compared to it, Heshbon would have to be a pretty important place.  The scripture goes on to describe the kind of intimacy that only comes through maturity and obedience.  I felt the Lord was saying that these kinds of battles, the kind that require a gold standard of obedience and denial of oneself will ultimately produce the goodness of God found only in His promise.

It's probably been twenty-five years since my dad took me on my first driving lesson.  So much has happened in my life between now and then that's caused  much pain and grief. Like the Israelites in their desert wandering, I've spent a lot of time complaining about the way God has provided for me.  I have strived many times to see the promises of God come to pass and I've been bitten by the serpents in the process.  The pain of my sin reminds me where to look and God strengthens me every time, he never fails.  The rules my dad gave me on those narrow canyon roads are biblical truths.  Never compromise.  When life throws you a logging truck on a one lane gravel road, be smart enough to get out of the way!  Become meek and humble, use wisdom, and if the road should happen to narrow and you find yourself looking off the edge of the cliff, be careful!  The Way is dangerous and there will be many obstacles but God is with us and won't let us veer off the road if we keep our eyes on the promise.  Even if we do spend time gazing into the valley, He is faithful to remind us of the cost.  Surely we will see goodness in the land of the living!

As the deer pants for the water brooks, So pants my soul for You, O God.  Psalm 42:1

 

            We hear that passage of scripture, sing it, recite it, and pray it often to  the Lord but do we really understand what it means to pant for the Lord?  I have to tell you, I had no idea what I was getting into when I opened up my hands one day and prayed the prayer for hunger and thirst like that of the deer in this particular passage.  It seems like a sweet enough prayer to start off with but then I found myself inviting Him to wound me in the process.  I specifically remember saying the words, "Go ahead and wreck my heart God, wound me for the sake of hungering and thirsting after You."  Who prays things like that? I'll tell you, it's people who are possessed! Possessed by the Holy Spirit, that's who!

            Like many other wives and mothers, husbands and fathers for that matter, I find myself in the predicament of service that lacks the kind of appreciative response I hope for.  Day in and day out, we pour ourselves out for the people God has assigned to us hoping that they will receive our love and become  better human beings because they have been cared for with pureness of heart.  It's so easy to relate to the feeling of being overlooked and  we ache waiting for a return.  I find myself thinking thoughts like; I don't want to serve anymore, I wish I could run away, or plug into an old addiction or habit.  The destructive thoughts crash in on me like the waves and billows described in the same Psalm. In 42:7. It says, deep calls unto deep at sound of Your waterfalls and that's when we come to prayers that ask God to make us hungry and thirsty.  We know that only He can pull us out of our selfish pride and make us humble again but it takes a real acknowledgement of where our help comes from.  We need to confess that we need more love, repent for trying to do it on our own, and begin to hunger for the Lord's help.  He will feed those that earnestly seek Him!

            I think it's fair to say that many of us don't see our own value.  We can read what the Bible says and even believe and accept the love of Christ but we all inevitably want something tangible and secure to hold onto when every effort of our love seems wasted.  It's not that we don't believe in God, it's just that He is invisible and His ways don't make sense until His plan has unfolded.  I think about the scroll that was given to Ezekiel and the scroll that was given to John in Revelation.  Ezekiel saw the writing on the scroll, he saw it unfolded and when he put it in his mouth, it was sweet. John didn't see any of the writing, the scroll was sealed shut, and he had no clue what was about to hit him!  It too tasted sweet but when it got to his stomach, it made him sick.  As a result, the kind of vision God gave John was the kind that would change the whole course of human history.  He had no idea, he simply hungered for righteousness.  He was truly enslaved by the testimony of Jesus. Think of the reward for that kind of obedience!  If you can,  imagine a big table full of the finest foods and drinks available to mankind. Wouldn't you want to indulge yourself?  That's how it should be when we come to the word of God.  He has prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  The table in that scripture verse is the word of God!  When we eat at the table with Jesus and begin digest the bitter prophecies, we become something new that stretches ourselves into eternity with God.  We get a new vision like John did and yet we question our value?

            Our weak love is nothing in comparison to the love that God has for us.  Although we pretend that we have all we need and life is good, we know there is more, and we want it.  We want to lay hold of the kind of love that moves mountains, fulfills desire, and erases ache.  Only One can satisfy that kind of deep longing and only One should be allowed to. Jesus paid the ultimate price for our affections and we owe it to Him alone, no other god is worthy. In my history with God, it has been through pain that I have discovered intimacy.  I don't know if it's like that for everyone but it's what He uses to draw me close.  It's been a blessing to discover Jesus in the crucible of adversity because I have seen His raw emotions there.  He is a man that bled and ached for me.  There are sides to Him that paralyze my soul with the realization of His jealousy for me.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me one night that consecration to Him would be a lofty purpose and that remembering the fall would keep me humble.  Those words turn over and over in my head and yet as I climb the mountain, I'm looking for other ways to satisfy my deepest human longings. It doesn't sound like something I should be doing when my life is at stake  but the longings are real and were placed there by God, for God, to propel me on. When we ask God to wound us for His sake, it is the cry of the Holy Spirit within us.  Deep calling out to deep.  We have something tangible to hold onto, His word, and we need to be reminded to look for our promises. 

            There was something about the deer in Psalm 42 that perplexed me.  Animals run because of fear, so do humans for that matter.  I read that if a deer is wounded in the front part of its body and has a choice, it will leap uphill rather than down where water is easier to access.They are able to leap much farther when they are wounded too, enabling them to climb higher than before.  The higher up the mountain they go, the more pure the water they will find.  I imagine the deer in the Psalm being wounded near the heart and traveling up the mountain at record speed in search of pure water.  The pain from the wound is so intense that it causes the animal to move faster than ever in search of the remedy.  When we ask God for supernatural hunger and thirst, what we are really asking is for God to put us in circumstances that are so uncomfortable, we will run unabashedly to Him in search of the remedy.  How blessed are we who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for we shall be filled!

            What I've learned the most in the process of sorting out my own self-perceived inadequacies as a wife and mother is simply this.  I can't do it without His love.  My love is weak in comparison to His, I know because I've tasted something powerful enough to raise the dead.  I'm climbing the mountain of God and I'm bringing my family with me, whether they like it or not.  It's going to be difficult and hard to love them sometimes but that's where He comes in.  He will give all of us what we need to get there in one piece.  I may have to suffer a few wounds along the way but they will help me to climb to new heights and remember the reasons why I'm doing it.  I want to be remembered for the way I loved and if I have to loose everything for the sake of love, I want to be willing.  We will stand before the throne of grace one day, where the water is in it's purest form, and will be made completely whole.  We will lack nothing in that day.

           

           

Overcoming rejection

  I took my kids to the lake today and as I sat there getting myself all kinds of settled in, I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit urging me to pick up the book I know He really wants me to read.  It's called Dealing With the Rejection and Praise of Man by Bob Sorge.  "My situation is a little different, Lord, why do I have to read this book?" (I don't even know what the book is entirely about...)  I sound like a whiny child that's just been asked to do some awful chore.  He says, "It's OK, take one paragraph at a time if you have to, you will be so glad you did."  So I pick up the book and read the preface, sort of, and turn to chapter one.  Right of the bat this paragraph strikes my heart and I'm weeping.  It says, "When we feel rejection, (the opposite of love and acceptance), we instinctively fight to regain our emotional balance.  We process and rehearse the experience repeatedly in our minds, trying to find a way to cope and insulate ourselves from the pain."  Even as I write, and feel the emotions starting to well up, I can feel the resistance from trying to put that wall up that protects me and keeps me hidden.  This is why it's so important for me to write this, it's not the wall that is the problem for me, it's what happens to me in the hiding behind it.  It's the process of overcoming the critical spirit and rejection of self.

I know I'm not so different, there are many others that deal with these same issues.  We are all our own worst enemy.  I'm not currently suffering from the rejection of any one person in my life, at least not that I'm aware of.  I do, however, have many wounds from the past that God is and has been healing since the day I said, "I do." but mostly, I'm at odds with myself and I have to ask God, "Why?"  "I know that You love me, shouldn't that be all that matters?  Where is all this static coming from?  I'm over the past, I have a new name and a new life.  With You, I'm free from all the garbage and pain that I accumulated while I was on the run.  You paid for it with your broken body and Your blood.  Why do I have such a......"Deep hole in your heart?" He patiently relpies.  That's exactly what it is, a deep, dark, hole that echoes with the sounds of all my past hurts and rejections.  Thank you God for saving me from that death!

The bible says that when we love God, He will take our hardened hearts and give us hearts of flesh.  Back in the world I had all sorts of vices that I could use to numb the pain and make me hard.  It's no wonder I was so depressed all the time, it takes a lot of effort keeping that wall up.  Whenever I felt self hatred or rejection creeping up I felt like I had no choice but to numb myself.  The pain was so overwhelming that it completely consumed me.  The drugs and alcohol, I thought, tamed it enough to where it couldn't kill me.  I was so wrong.  The enemy showed me how to put up that wall and he knew every weak place in it.  he had free reign there just as long as I kept it up and God out.  Since surrendering my heart to God, I've felt the heart of flesh beating and it's wonderful!  The Lord has punched holes in that wall on more than one occasion and made quite a spectacle out of the devil but a lot of what He has done has been brick by brick.  He's teaching me how the wall was built by having me watch Him take it down.  It's a backwards kingdom, what can I say?

I ask God, "What does it look like in my heart now? The wall is gone but the hole is still there, what's in that hole?  Why do I still hear sound coming from it?  Is it a bottomless pit or is there solid ground down there somewhere?"  I imagine that when I was first born my heart was pretty whole. There were some generational things happening at the core, I know, and the enemy took every opportunity to hit me from the outside to get me to come into agreement with his thoughts of me.  By doing this, those things hidden at the core would take on a life of their own and start digging holes in my heart.  Pretty soon those holes would become deep caverns of pain.  The devil filled them with lies about who I was and who God was and if He were to come close, my resistance would be strong.  It's kind of a funny picture now, looking back, as if I could ward off the Almighty God.  The One who brought my very being into existence and there I stood, in all my glory, resisting Love.  I can just imagine His face brushing by me with that all knowing smile of a Father.  His thoughts toward me would say, "You have no idea what I'm going to do in your life young lady.  You just wait.  I'll blow your mind. I Can love you and you Will love Me."

 I know at one point my heart was full of bullet holes and gashes, open wounds were everywhere.  Through repentance and forgiveness they've been healed up and only the scars remain now.  The scars are reminders of the things I've faced and overcome.  Some of the wounds are still evident though and I'm asking, "God, are they ever going to be healed?"  I feel impatient asking, knowing that some things take longer than others and that I won't be COMPLETELY healed until I get my resurrected body so I just imagine myself with my cross, lugging it along with Jesus.  He so completely understands the position I'm in and I must embrace it because rejection was such a big part of what led me to Christ in the first place.  I feel His heart soft towards me, He is so kind and gentle, and His heart is glad that I am with Him.

A woman in Kansas City prophesied over me that my heart was like a broken cup.  She saw many cracks and holes in it and said that God pours out His love the way He does because as His love goes in and through those cracks and holes my heart is repaired.  It's true for all of us, for anyone who knows what it feels like to have deep pain and sorrow in their heart, God will restore, He will make it whole.  He fills our cups to overflowing so that we may be healed by His love going deep into those places of woundedness.  I imagine a bucket full of holes.  If you try to fill it up with water it will just run out of the holes, but if you keep the flow constant, the bucket will overflow. He is constant in the pouring, all we have to do is posture ourselves towards Him and ask for it.  He has anointed us and prepared a table before us, in the presence of our enemies.  Oh what a feast it is!  We have many choices to choose from but we must feast on the bread of affliction and drink the water of our tears which is the wine because it's the best of what we are offered!  To pass it up is foolish.

Through all of this I can say that today my heart is whole.  There are tunnels in there but they are empty and only every once in a while do I hear a sound that reminds me of what was once there.  I'm grateful for the girl that made all the wrong decisions, who resisted love and defended those caverns because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be me.  She wasn't who she was supposed to be in the eyes of the world but she was brave.  Even though she wasn't fighting for the right side, she fought for freedom.  Broken hearted, beat up and abused but she still loved, she gave it all up for love.  I asked God one time, I said, "God, why me?"  His answer was simple, He said, "Because you love."  Because you love, so simple yet so complex.  All God wants is your love, nothing more and nothing less.  He wants to love you and be loved in return, isn't that what we all want?

Have you ever been called by God to do something you were terrified to do?  I can think of a few instances in my life where that's happened.  As scary as it seemed at the time though, it was all for God's glory!  I'm writing this today because I think there's an important message that God wants to share.  I'll start by sharing the encounter that I had and the different passages of scripture Holy Spirit led me to in helping me to understand..  Hopefully you will be able to see and hear what it is God is trying to say, it is my sincerest hope that the Spirit of revelation will rest upon you as you read and perhaps answer some questions.

Less than a week ago, I was in a prayer meeting at my church.  We do something called harp and bowl prayer, its a combination of worship and prayer mixed together.  If you've never been to a harp and bowl prayer meeting, all I can say is that you're missing out.  It was about three-quarters of the way through when all of a sudden I was hit in the stomach by the Holy Spirit and couldn't move.  I've had encounters before with the Lord where He has touched me and I haven't wanted to move, but this was different.  I could not move.  I tried to pick my legs up off the ground one at a time and couldn't.  I looked around with my eyes to see if it was affecting anyone else and it wasn't, it was only me.  All of a sudden my hand started trembling. Then it trembled a little more and more until it was downright shaking.  I stared in disbelief as I watched my hand, unable to control the shaking.  It was terrifying.  I was completely overtaken by the power of God and my strength literally left my body.  Again I will say, it was terrifying.  All the while this was going on, there was someone outside the church walls burning grass or something but it brought into the church sanctuary the aroma of incense.  Strange, I thought, but was much more concerned about what was happening to my body.  All of a sudden, I had the  urge to push as if I were having a labor contraction.  I was crying as I told my husband later that night how real it felt.

Immediately following the service, the Lord gave me Isaiah 6:4  And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.  Hence the shaking and the smoke!  I went on to read the whole chapter of Isaiah six only to find out that Isaiah was being commissioned to go and prophesy doom to all those who oppose God!  Pretty heavy stuff, yes?  I wasn't sure that that's what God was trying to tell me but I wasn't' sure that He wasn't?  What I do know is for the next five days I was a complete wreck! 

The day of the encounter, I was in prayer when I received a vision.  I was standing on the edge of a vast wide sea.  Crystal clear water all the way through.  The sand was black and felt like pearls beneath my feet.  I could see a city in the distance that was the New Jerusalem.  I had been praying that the Lord would take me out into the depths of the riches and the wisdom of the knowledge of God and I heard Him say to me, "Come."  I stepped into the beautiful clear water and it felt wonderful around my ankles.  I went out a little farther and began to feel the freedom of this water as it hit my knees.  The next thing I knew, I was up to my neck in the water when suddenly, I panicked.  I reached my arms up to the Lord and He stretched His arm out to me as He stood on the water.  He pulled me up and set me on the water with Him which had turned into the sea of glass. It was there that He asked me to dance for Him.  Fear began to rise in my heart at this request and I simply said, "I can't, I don't know how."  I cried in His arms and asked Him to keep me there.


Over the next few days, I experienced much anxiety as I realized there was much more to the Lord's request than simply dancing.  He began to unfold in my heart other things that were changing that would require more sacrifice on my behalf.  He took me to the story in Mark 10 about the rich young ruler. 

Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler

¹⁷ Now as He was going out on the road, one came running, knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?”
¹⁸ So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. ¹⁹ You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Do not defraud,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”^[c]
20 And he answered and said to Him, “Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth.”
²¹ Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”
²² But he was sad at this word, and went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.


He spoke to me about how hard it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God and how that richness comes in many forms.  The next day He took me out to a lake and used the beautiful and the dull vacation houses to illustrated the parable of the ten virgins in Matthew 25.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

25 “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. ⁵ The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.

⁶ “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
⁷ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. ⁸ The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’
⁹ “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
¹⁰ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
¹¹ “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’
¹² “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’
¹³ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

My husband was mocked that day, publicly, for having a row boat but I tell you, the wind was in our favor!

Today, I've come to the place of full surrender.  I have God's blessing and I'm moving on with whatever He has prepared for me.  I read back through Isaiah chapters 6-8, which were the ones highlighted all throughout the week, and caught something.  This is where the message is, I believe.  In Isaiah chapter 8 verse 8 (the number eight symbolizes new beginnings) it says this in regard to the unbelievers living in Judah

He will pass through Judah, He will overflow and pass over, He will reach up to the neck; and the stretching out of his wings will fill the breadth of Your land, O Immanuel.

When I read that, I remembered the vision and being up to my neck in water.  This passage is talking about the unbelievers being overtaken by the king of Assyria!  How glad am I that I reached out to the Lord.  I believe that when He set me on the sea of glass, that is before His throne, He was giving me the commission to do the impossible, giving you and me the commission to do the impossible.  He said to me the other day as I read that, before I understood what it was all about, He said, "  The fear of God preserves me from the disquieting fear of man."  I didn't even know what that meant, I had to look up the word disquieting, it means to cause anxiety!  The fear of the Lord that fell on me the other night when I couldn't move was an act of preservation.  What happened as a result was that great anxiety came over me.  The very thing the Lord was trying to preserve me from!  But why? How? Because I had doubt and unbelief that I couldn't do what the Lord was asking.  I now believe in faith that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.








The Lord is commissioning His people right now for the very task of speaking His word forth in boldness and with power for His purpose and He's preserving His people against the fear of man in the process!  If He is calling you to the impossible right now, say yes!  He will give you grace!  He wants all your heart.  He wants you to go deeper into the things of Him and forsake the things and ways of this world.  Just like He told the rich young ruler, you must deny yourself and take up your cross to be like Me.  Jesus is looking for people that will be ready in the night with their lamps full of oil who know the sound of His voice.  Knowing the Lord intimately requires sacrifice.  How selfish and stubborn I felt when the thought of Jesus dying for my sins came to mind after I told Him I couldn't do what He was asking.  That is my selfish flesh talking! When the Lord asks you to do something, remember, He died for you and me!  Whatever it may be that He's calling you to, say yes, He will make it so worth it!  You will never want again.  Jesus said that whoever ate of Him would eat the bread of life.  The bread of life!  You can't buy that at Safeway!  The Lord is good and His promises are true.  He died on the cross for your sins and rose from the grave so that you too could have eternal life with Him.  He's getting ready to do something big and you don't want to be left out.  Consider the passage in Isaiah chapter 8 

⁵ The Lord also spoke to me again, saying:

⁶ “Inasmuch as these people refused
The waters of Shiloah that flow softly,
And rejoice in Rezin and in Remaliah’s son;
⁷ Now therefore, behold, the Lord brings up over them
The waters of the River,^[b] strong and mighty—
The king of Assyria and all his glory;
He will go up over all his channels
And go over all his banks.
⁸ He will pass through Judah,
He will overflow and pass over,
He will reach up to the neck;
And the stretching out of his wings
Will fill the breadth of Your land, O Immanuel.^[c]

⁹ “Be shattered, O you peoples, and be broken in pieces!
Give ear, all you from far countries.
Gird yourselves, but be broken in pieces;
Gird yourselves, but be broken in pieces.
¹⁰ Take counsel together, but it will come to nothing;
Speak the word, but it will not stand,
For God is with us.”^[d]

Fear God, Heed His Word

¹¹ For the Lord spoke thus to me with a strong hand, and instructed me that I should not walk in the way of this people, saying:

¹² “Do not say, ‘A conspiracy,’
Concerning all that this people call a conspiracy,
Nor be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled.
¹³ The Lord of hosts, Him you shall hallow;
Let Him be your fear,
And let Him be your dread.
¹⁴ He will be as a sanctuary,
But a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense
To both the houses of Israel,
As a trap and a snare to the inhabitants of Jerusalem.
¹⁵ And many among them shall stumble;
They shall fall and be broken,
Be snared and taken.”

¹⁶ Bind up the testimony,
Seal the law among my disciples.
¹⁷ And I will wait on the Lord,
Who hides His face from the house of Jacob;
And I will hope in Him.
¹⁸ Here am I and the children whom the Lord has given me!
We are for signs and wonders in Israel
From the Lord of hosts,
Who dwells in Mount Zion.

 
Don't be one who gets over taken by the deep waters, stretch your arms out to Him and ask Him to save you.  If you are afraid consider Psalm 111 which says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."  

Just another extraordinary day at the beach

I love spending time with my family at the beach.  It’s a time of new adventures, bonding with friends, reflection and fresh perspective.  I don't know why I don't come here more often?  It seems that every time I'm drawn to the ocean, its' because God has something special for me.  It's no mystery that when I ask Him to take me out into the depths of His love, He would bring me to a place like this to touch my heart.  His ways are not my ways, my ways are too small in meaning and in purpose to accommodate the complexity that goes into forming the kind of plans that God does.  I feel like I've accomplished something big if I have a menu planned out for the week before it's time to go to the store!

          Today is a special day.  God invited me here today to share with me a secret from my past to help me unlock the future and to draw my children closer to me in a way that I've been longing for.  I'm so excited!  I'm overwhelmed by God's love and kindness.  His compassion for me is so great that even as I sit here now at this cove leading into the vast, wide ocean, I can feel His greatness, His majesty.  He is so delighted as His great plans for my life are finally being revealed.  I can hear all of heaven rejoicing with the King for what He has done.  It's been years in the making for this very moment.  Our lives and the plans God has for us sometimes take years and years to develop and unfold and I just imagine God, praying for us, ever so patiently, to reach the milestones that make us say A-HA!  I get it!  I see now why I am the way I am and when the Spirit of revelation comes to rest upon us in that moment, I believe that all of heaven rejoices with Jesus for the glory of God that is released in that moment.  There is nothing like it!  It is joy inexpressible, a tangible expression of the heart of God speaking directly to mine the words, "I love you."

          When I was a little girl around the age of six or seven, my family went on a camping trip.  I remember my mother being really leery about the place we were at.  There were a lot of other people camped in close proximity to us and she knew things about some of them that made her more on edge than I was used to her being.  I have a lot of memories from this particular place, not all bad , but not all good either.  The general feeling that comes to me when I thing back was that it was not a very safe place and as a small child, I picked up on that. 

          I wasn't allowed to go outside our camp without my mom or dad but some of my older cousins had found a trail and were going in a group to check it out.  I was allowed to tag along and eagerly tried to keep up.  When we got into the woods I remember very clearly a strange darkness that seemed to close in on me the moment I stepped in.  It was the strangest thing.  I remember so vividly my cousins, running excitedly down the trail.  The sound of their breath as they pumped onward and sight of their feet leaping and climbing the trail before them is still as vivid in my mind as it was back then.  Those were the last things I remember before I found myself all alone.

          There I stood on a little wooden bridge completely surrounded by nothing but the sound of the trickling brook passing beneath my feet.  I was paralyzed with fear as I felt the darkness close in all around me.  I literally have no recollection of what happened during those hours between being left behind and being found.  I don't know if I sat there and cried, if I fell asleep or what I did?  All I remember was feeling paralyzed by fear and being unable to move from that bridge.

          My memory is foggy at this point but I vaguely remember seeing a man, whom I didn't recognize, leading my parents to where I was.  I can't recall how I felt in that moment but I remember crossing the threshold from the woods to the gravel again and feeling tremendous relief.  There was fear that told me I would never see the light of day again.  The familiar smell of campfire and dinner cooking welcomed me back to camp.  I think my cousins must have felt shocked to have just come out the other side of the trail without me.  I will never forget the sweaty, red, panic stricken looks on their faces upon my return.

          It's funny what you remember.  My girls are always asking me why does God allow this and that, and my answer is always the same.  God makes all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.  That's the only explanation I have for a lot of their questions and I think it's a good one.  We are all so uniquely designed in our own personalities and it's fascinating to me to think of the craftsmanship of God that goes into designing something so complex.  Can you imagine being in charge of crafting a personality?  I can barely get it together to create a Christmas dinner!  God is so brilliant, so creative in His ways that I can't even fathom the intricacy that goes into such things!  I guess that's why He gets to be God and we are just characters in His story.

          God gave me the gift of a great awakening today.  My girls are all growing and becoming less and less dependent on me, a realization that's taken me time to come to grips with.  I had the revelation today that I might just need them as much as they need me.  Maybe that's common knowledge for some parents but this just made my front page news!  I don't mean this in the sense that I need them to feel safe or I need to live vicariously through them, that's not what I'm talking about.  I need them in the sense that they hold the keys that unlock what has been hidden inside of me for many, many years, waiting to be revealed.  I don't know if I can explain it any differently than that? Let me share what happened today so that you may better understand.

          When we got to the beach this afternoon, we set up our blanket, let down our towels, took off our shoes and voila we were at the beach.  Savannah and her friend took off in one direction, Autumn and her friend took off in another direction and Sadie and I were left in the dust, or the sand, so to speak.  This wasn't really the picture I envisioned in my mind when we set out.  I'm just saying, maybe I live in a fantasy world part of the time, but I was just really hoping all of the kids would stay together and say, build a fort or something right next to me.  That way I would have a few hours to read one of the five new books I just recently picked up or maybe do some writing?  Yeah, that's not what happened. 

          The minute everyone took off, Sadie immediately became agitated over being left behind.  She tried to handle it by looking for sand dollars but after a few minutes of that she just sort of became really crabby, no pun intended.  She's the youngest of three so finding someone to play with has never been an issue for her.  There's always been someone there to dote on her or help her and now that her sisters are past the "little girl" stage she's just sort of alone a little more than she's used too.  On the one hand, I'm really glad she's only eight and still very much a little girl but on the other hand it's hard to watch her struggling with the fact that her sisters no longer want to play the same kid games she does.  She played in the sand quietly next to me as I scoured the water with my eyes looking for my other two.  Back and forth between the jetty and the water I searched to no avail.  My heart began to grow more and more troubled as time passed with no children in my sight.  Surely they will come soon to check in with me?  But why would they?....I left all the food in the van.

          I decided if they weren't coming to me, I would go to them.  We packed up what we had and headed closer to the jetty.  Surly they were there somewhere and I just couldn't see from where I was.  I'd get a closer look and everything would be OK.  They were nowhere in sight.  By this time, I was starting to feel some rather dramatic emotions.  I knew that there was a place that they had gone to play before that they called the dunes but I didn't know where it was and was pretty sure Sadie didn't either.  I felt the urgent need to be with my children but not because I was worried about them and needed to see that they were safe which is the usual reaction for someone who has lost their children.  It wasn't like that at all, it was strange.  I needed to find them and be close to where they were because I felt lost without them.

          Tears streamed down my cheeks as I came to this realization.  I had seen Sadie at the beach walk out about a hundred yards away from me before she stopped and looked back.  It was then that my memory was triggered and the Lord took me back to that place in the woods as a girl.  Sadie didn't want to be out of my sight because she knew it wasn't safe for her to go on by herself but there was an inner struggle happening that I could see.  She would look back at me, then look ahead.  Look back and me and then look as if she wanted to go on.  She was stuck in the middle of being dependent but wanting to be independent.  When she came back to me I was able to share my story with her.  The love and gratitude in her face told me that she understood and was glad that I understood her and what she's going through.  She is grateful to God for never taking His eyes off of us and never leaving us alone, even when we get lost in the wilderness.

          Sadie began to laugh again at the sound of her sisters playing at the dunes.  I was still crying and lugging about fifty pounds of various beach items.  The girls were all playing happily down at the water and Sadie ran to meet them.  I was so relieved to be close to my little flock again.  I sat my things down and began to take it all in.  I called the girls to me and you can imagine their faces when they see their mother standing before them in a place as glorious as this with tears all over her face.  They immediately asked me what was wrong and if I was OK?  I told them the story of the little girl who had been left behind in the woods.  I told them how I needed them to let me know what they are doing and where they are going, not because I need to have control and know every detail but because I don't want to be left behind ever again.  They all just sort of looked at me in a way that said, we get it.  They apologized with their words but the expressions of love and acceptance on their faces told me far more than what words could ever express.  They were grateful to have a piece of my heart and to have an  understanding of who I am as a person and not just their mom.  It may have been an answer to their prayers!

          Moments like these are precious to God.  I have suffered the pain of feeling alone a lot in my life but I don't regret it.  God chose to make me the way I am for a reason and if what I've had to go through has had to happen to make me into the person I am today then I rejoice with God and all the angels for what it's been.  What a great honor to have been chosen for such a divine story.  The story of my life!  You hear people say that in a negative way all the time, "Well that's just the story of my life!"  When really, God's story is the story of my life and I get it!  I get to be a part of it!  Not only that, but my kids hold the keys, they hold the keys to the rest of my story.  I am so excited for what God has planned next, I'm getting the feeling that this new season is going to revolve around my children and my role as their mother.  I pray that God will take me deep into His heart and reveal to me His secrets of being the kind of parent that every child deserves.  I have never been as deeply in love with anything as I am with God right now.  All glory goes to Him!

         

The Lord is my sheperd

I was reminded of something today that I thought was worth sharing.  I love to share, especially with my children and I'm so blessed that the Lord brought this memory to me today.  Sometimes we all need a reminder...

I spent a lot of time in the woods as a girl, some of the best times of my life.  They were a safe place for me, I felt free there.  I was free, I really didn't have any boundaries, the world was my playground and I wanted all that it had to offer.  My dad and uncles would take my cousins and I out on adventures all the time.  We got to go scouting, hunting and fishing a lot.  Like I said, I really didn't have any boundaries.  All I knew was that I needed to eat, drink and sleep to stay alive.  If I didn't have any food or water, I knew how I could get it and if my life was in danger, my cousin was always with me to bail me out.  If I ran out of gas or lost my bike in a lake, I might have worried.

When I was eight or nine my dad took me on a fishing trip to Pine Lake.  It's a beautiful place high up in the Skokomish River Valley, one of my favorite places.  My dad and my uncle made their way to where they were going to fish for trout and my cousin and I found the blueberries.  As we ate and explored I remember feeling like we'd ventured a little too far.  We were at one end of the lake and dad and my uncle were at the other.  I remember looking back and thinking, "I should probably go back" but my cousin was already way ahead of me and I really wanted to find the bridge that we thought was on the other side so I kept going.  I came to a huge tree that had been uprooted and climbed up on it.  On the other side was a utopia for frogs!  There was a whole bunch of mud covered with a lovely layer of slimy frog eggs.  All I could think about was getting to the other side of the lake, I wanted to see that bridge! So, I put my black rubber boots in the mud and made my way across the utopia.  When I got about half way through, I started sinking.  I was terrified!  My cousin had made it to the other side but I was dead center and in well above my knees.  I picked up my foot to take another step and I lost my boot.  They other boot never made it out either.  I lost those boots and got out there before my feet ever even hit the mud again.  I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when I returned, bootless and covered in mud and frog slime.

At the end of the day when we went to make the way back to our rig somehow, we got lost.  We must have walked a circular mile through tall, soppy, grassland!  I don't know what I had on my feet but I was tired, scared, uncomfortable and I didn't want my dad to know.  I wanted to be brave for him.  I knew we were lost without him ever saying a word because I could see the look on his face.  It was the worried, "do I turn here or there, stay close to me" look.  So I did.  That's where the memory froze.

This came to me today in such a timely manner.  When the memory froze, all of the feelings that I felt in that moment came flooding through me again.  I saw it like a flashback.  I could see his eyes, focused hard with determination as we walked silently through the marsh.  As uncomfortable as I was, I felt completely secure.  Looking up at my dad, I saw a strong, brave man.  There wasn't anything for me to worry about because he was going to get us out of there. I admired him so much for the way he led us out, strong, confident and never once making me feel shame for losing my boots.  He was in save and protect mode and I was in awe of him.  I'll never forget the only words he spoke to me on our way out.  He said, "Sometimes, you have to get lost in order to find where you are going." I was perplexed...why in the world would you want to get lost on purpose?

I know now that that was a seed from God that my dad planted in me that day.  Although I didn't understand at the time what he meant by that, it would stay with me for a time when truth was ready to be revealed.  I know enough now to know that if I'm ever in a situation where there is mud present I should probably go the other way but back then I was just a child.  I wasn't thinking about getting stuck or losing my boots or even getting in trouble, I just wanted to see that bridge.  Sometimes we get so focused on what we want to see that we don't realize we're stepping into slippery, slimy, muck until it's too late.  I am so grateful for my dad's heart towards me that day.  Coming back to him in the state I was in was very embarrassing.  I sat on the hill sulking for quite some time before we left that day, humiliated by my own self.  Never once did he say anything to make me feel stupid or ashamed.  I knew that losing my boots was my own fault and when we got lost I knew I needed to be brave for my dad and not sulk.  He loved me, even in my bootless situation, and was committed to getting me out to a place he could clean me up and get me warm. This is a portrait of what God looks like.  He was with us that day working in both our hearts.

I have wondered for years what my dad meant when he said what he did that day.  There have been times where I've thought I had the answer and times that I've been unsure.   I think sometimes we all get lost from time to time and don't even know it, but we are so blessed to find out that we are if we do.  We could be looking for something or doing our job or following the crowd, all with good intentions, so how do we find ourselves in a mud pit?  Well, what if you come to a place in your life that is new territory?  Take Pine Lake for example, I had never been that far around the lake before, I was in a new territory.  Maybe you have been given new responsibilities, that would be like going to a new pasture?  Suppose haven't been there long and it's all new to you.  How are you supposed to find out where the boundaries lines are in this new pasture?  What if there are weaknesses that we don't even know we have?  The key is listening to God.  If I would have listened to the still small voice when I climbed on that log, I wouldn't have stepped into the mud that day much would have been avoided.  I didn't know God cared about me then so I ignored the voice and fell into the trap.  So we have to listen, first, and ask God to help us and show us our weaknesses.  There are mud pits around all of our weaknesses and the enemy is just waiting for us to fall into them.  There are other things in the pasture to look out for too, thank God I've never had any run ins with bears or wolves in my times spent in nature!  Trust that God will not let you stray, if you are wandering in the wrong direction, He will bring you back.  His rod and staff are meant for comfort and He will bring you back to the still water.  If you fall into the mud, like I did, let Him pick you up and clean you off.  He will bring you back to safety.  Most of all, stay with the other sheep.  It is good to be in a company of believers that will hold you accountable.  Let them help you when you come to this new place, talk to someone you can trust about your fears and insecurities.  God already knows that you have them so find someone that is willing to spend time with you just listening that will also pray.  Finally, accept that God is in control.  He will show you everything you long to see and more in due time.

On marriage.....

I've been so blessed recently as I've set out on my conquest of discovering the truth about the bridegroom God and my relationship with Him in regards to intimacy.  The moment I started asking the Lord questions about marriage, he responded!  I was surprised because often times when I ask about something, other than marriage, it will take time.  It may be several object lessons later before I have a clear understanding of the knowledge I've sought.  Not so with marriage!  It is His favorite subject, I believe, and I've gained quite a bit of understanding in a short amount of time.  Luke 11:9 says  "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  This is the truth, the Lord is faithful to those who seek Him.

When I first came to know the Lord as a bridegroom, it was very dramatic.  Not in terms of a typical marriage ceremony or anything weird like that.  One thing that I should make clear is that Jesus is not my husband in the same way my earthly husband is.  I don't do any weird date stuff or plan on making out with Jesus some day so throw those thoughts out.  What I'm talking about is the shift that took place in my heart.  There was a moment in time where the knowledge that had accumulated in my mind through teachings, reading of the word, prayer and fasting and so on, moved deep into my heart and awakened me to the reality of who He is in this respect.  Song of Solomon 8:4 says, Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.  Essentially, the Lord woke me up and I haven't been the same since.  This is my testimony.

I've spent the better part of the last three years in preparation for what is going to come from this revelation.  When I got saved on my hospital bed in November of 2009, I found the love and acceptance of the Father calling me to return to Him.  Before then, I knew Him as a righteous judge.  When He spoke to me in Kansas City about the way I am to train my children, it was Jesus the King.  I believe He revealed, in this order, the different aspects of Himself to me according to His purpose.  I'm not sure if He does it this way for everyone or if some people see Him as Bridegroom first or second, I don't know.  This is the way it happened for me and I'm glad for it because had I known Him in any other order, I wouldn't be who I am right now.  Becoming a friend of the Bridegroom has been very intense and wonderful.  There is a lot of grace involved, which we all love, but it comes with a cost and that's what this is all about.

When I think about the marriage my husband Shad and I share, I'm amazed at how far we've come together.  We've been married for nine years as of last August.  When he met me in 1999, I had a two year old daughter from a previous relationship, Savannah.  He and I fell in love right away and were moving in and pregnant together six months later.  Autumn came in September of 2001 and we were married in August of 2003.  Sadie came along in November, 2005.  All this to say that a lot happened in a very short amount of time, especially for him.  He went from zero to three kids, a wife and a mortgage payment in only a few years time.  We have been through trial after trial after trial in our marriage and have struggled to keep it together several times.  He has walked with me through my addiction to drugs and alcohol, low self esteem, sickness and disease, every kind of curse you can imagine, he has been through with me.  Not that he's perfect, I just want to demonstrate the kind of husband he's been to me and the kind of wife I was.

To often in society do I see people just giving up, giving in to the pressure that is required in marriage.  Things turn ugly quickly, the children suffer as a result and it turns into a vicious game of he said/she said manipulation that eventually leaves both parties exhausted and even more angry than before.  Then they decide it would be best to abort the marriage and part ways because neither one wants to admit any wrongdoing.  Neither one can attain the humility that is required to get into the place of intimacy because of the big, fat ego that they carry.  I'm not saying this is always the case, I'm simply sharing my own testimony about how I've had to lose my ego time and time again in order to salvage my own marriage.  It's not easy, submission is a choice that we have to make in order to see the kind of outcome that God desires, which is ultimately what we want as well.

Being the Bride of Christ can be compared to this type of submissive marriage.  It requires great humility and sacrifice on a daily basis.  There are some, I know, that think getting married is a save all solution.  That's simply not true!  Marriage is complicated, it's hard, it's uncomfortable, it takes commitment from both sides, daily, to keep it together.  Unless you're willing to do the hard, uncomfortable things, you will never experience the great joy that comes from the hard work. We want that joy, we want to live happily ever with our princes and princesses, with Jesus, but you can only get that joy, that gladness of heart, if you are willing to sacrifice, be humble, be patient and persevere day in and day out.  I don't know about you but those four things were not on my top list of priorities as a new bride or a new Christian, yet the trials came and just when I thought we had weathered the storm, they came again and again and again.  My husband and I are at a place now where we submit to one another in love, everyday, willingly, no matter how badly one of us want to prove our point or do our own thing, we know that humility is better and that's what we have to strive for because He is worth it!

In the same way that we must suffer in marriage to our earthly spouses, (I know I'm not the only one so go on and admit it to yourself right now), we must suffer in our marriage to Christ.  What does that look like?   The Bible is full of scripture that depicts the kinds of trials that we must face but it is clear that there is a purpose behind them. These trials bring out in us our ability to either hang on or give up. Those are our two choices ulitmately with all things, we are either going to persevere or lie down and be wasted.  I've done the lie down and be wasted thing, literally, and it's no fun!  When I think about the suffering with Christ, I imagine myself with Him, carrying my own cross beside Him.  I might say something like this; "Jesus, where's God?"  and He says, "I don't know beloved, He's not answering my call right now, don't worry though, He's got something good in store for us.  Keep lugging that thing OK, you're gonna be with me in my kingdom you know.  I know how bad the beatings hurt, just hang on OK?  You look like your finishing last right now but I'm going to make you first. Hang on OK?"  I know in my heart that what He says is true because I've felt His love, His compassion and His kindness in the past. It gets harder for me to hear His voice but I know that it's only because He has gone on before me.  I see that He's made the atonement and it's only a matter of time before He will be with me again.  He is with the Father now, telling Him all about how awesome I am and as I embrace the cross and cry out to Him, He hears and pours out His resurection life on me and we are one again. 

The message of the cross is the greatest love story in the history of the world and I get to choose whether or not I want to be a part of it?  Not only that but anyone who is chosen gets to choose thier own part!  Where do you want to start?  Will you follow Him unto death?  Jesus died with a crown of thorns pressed into His head, are you willing to go that far?  Are you willing to get that uncomfortable in your own crucible in order to obtain an eternal crown?  Are you willing to stand before a people bloody, mocked, beaten and bruised for the sake of Love or are you only willing to go so far?  Think about the vows we made to our earthly husbands and wives and ask yourself this; are you holding to them?  Jesus requires the same things of His bride to bring her into maturity so that we can spend eternity with Him.  For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer til death do us part, all the days of our lives let no man separate what God has brought together.  Will you say, "I do" to the great I AM?