Overcoming rejection

  I took my kids to the lake today and as I sat there getting myself all kinds of settled in, I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit urging me to pick up the book I know He really wants me to read.  It's called Dealing With the Rejection and Praise of Man by Bob Sorge.  "My situation is a little different, Lord, why do I have to read this book?" (I don't even know what the book is entirely about...)  I sound like a whiny child that's just been asked to do some awful chore.  He says, "It's OK, take one paragraph at a time if you have to, you will be so glad you did."  So I pick up the book and read the preface, sort of, and turn to chapter one.  Right of the bat this paragraph strikes my heart and I'm weeping.  It says, "When we feel rejection, (the opposite of love and acceptance), we instinctively fight to regain our emotional balance.  We process and rehearse the experience repeatedly in our minds, trying to find a way to cope and insulate ourselves from the pain."  Even as I write, and feel the emotions starting to well up, I can feel the resistance from trying to put that wall up that protects me and keeps me hidden.  This is why it's so important for me to write this, it's not the wall that is the problem for me, it's what happens to me in the hiding behind it.  It's the process of overcoming the critical spirit and rejection of self.

I know I'm not so different, there are many others that deal with these same issues.  We are all our own worst enemy.  I'm not currently suffering from the rejection of any one person in my life, at least not that I'm aware of.  I do, however, have many wounds from the past that God is and has been healing since the day I said, "I do." but mostly, I'm at odds with myself and I have to ask God, "Why?"  "I know that You love me, shouldn't that be all that matters?  Where is all this static coming from?  I'm over the past, I have a new name and a new life.  With You, I'm free from all the garbage and pain that I accumulated while I was on the run.  You paid for it with your broken body and Your blood.  Why do I have such a......"Deep hole in your heart?" He patiently relpies.  That's exactly what it is, a deep, dark, hole that echoes with the sounds of all my past hurts and rejections.  Thank you God for saving me from that death!

The bible says that when we love God, He will take our hardened hearts and give us hearts of flesh.  Back in the world I had all sorts of vices that I could use to numb the pain and make me hard.  It's no wonder I was so depressed all the time, it takes a lot of effort keeping that wall up.  Whenever I felt self hatred or rejection creeping up I felt like I had no choice but to numb myself.  The pain was so overwhelming that it completely consumed me.  The drugs and alcohol, I thought, tamed it enough to where it couldn't kill me.  I was so wrong.  The enemy showed me how to put up that wall and he knew every weak place in it.  he had free reign there just as long as I kept it up and God out.  Since surrendering my heart to God, I've felt the heart of flesh beating and it's wonderful!  The Lord has punched holes in that wall on more than one occasion and made quite a spectacle out of the devil but a lot of what He has done has been brick by brick.  He's teaching me how the wall was built by having me watch Him take it down.  It's a backwards kingdom, what can I say?

I ask God, "What does it look like in my heart now? The wall is gone but the hole is still there, what's in that hole?  Why do I still hear sound coming from it?  Is it a bottomless pit or is there solid ground down there somewhere?"  I imagine that when I was first born my heart was pretty whole. There were some generational things happening at the core, I know, and the enemy took every opportunity to hit me from the outside to get me to come into agreement with his thoughts of me.  By doing this, those things hidden at the core would take on a life of their own and start digging holes in my heart.  Pretty soon those holes would become deep caverns of pain.  The devil filled them with lies about who I was and who God was and if He were to come close, my resistance would be strong.  It's kind of a funny picture now, looking back, as if I could ward off the Almighty God.  The One who brought my very being into existence and there I stood, in all my glory, resisting Love.  I can just imagine His face brushing by me with that all knowing smile of a Father.  His thoughts toward me would say, "You have no idea what I'm going to do in your life young lady.  You just wait.  I'll blow your mind. I Can love you and you Will love Me."

 I know at one point my heart was full of bullet holes and gashes, open wounds were everywhere.  Through repentance and forgiveness they've been healed up and only the scars remain now.  The scars are reminders of the things I've faced and overcome.  Some of the wounds are still evident though and I'm asking, "God, are they ever going to be healed?"  I feel impatient asking, knowing that some things take longer than others and that I won't be COMPLETELY healed until I get my resurrected body so I just imagine myself with my cross, lugging it along with Jesus.  He so completely understands the position I'm in and I must embrace it because rejection was such a big part of what led me to Christ in the first place.  I feel His heart soft towards me, He is so kind and gentle, and His heart is glad that I am with Him.

A woman in Kansas City prophesied over me that my heart was like a broken cup.  She saw many cracks and holes in it and said that God pours out His love the way He does because as His love goes in and through those cracks and holes my heart is repaired.  It's true for all of us, for anyone who knows what it feels like to have deep pain and sorrow in their heart, God will restore, He will make it whole.  He fills our cups to overflowing so that we may be healed by His love going deep into those places of woundedness.  I imagine a bucket full of holes.  If you try to fill it up with water it will just run out of the holes, but if you keep the flow constant, the bucket will overflow. He is constant in the pouring, all we have to do is posture ourselves towards Him and ask for it.  He has anointed us and prepared a table before us, in the presence of our enemies.  Oh what a feast it is!  We have many choices to choose from but we must feast on the bread of affliction and drink the water of our tears which is the wine because it's the best of what we are offered!  To pass it up is foolish.

Through all of this I can say that today my heart is whole.  There are tunnels in there but they are empty and only every once in a while do I hear a sound that reminds me of what was once there.  I'm grateful for the girl that made all the wrong decisions, who resisted love and defended those caverns because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be me.  She wasn't who she was supposed to be in the eyes of the world but she was brave.  Even though she wasn't fighting for the right side, she fought for freedom.  Broken hearted, beat up and abused but she still loved, she gave it all up for love.  I asked God one time, I said, "God, why me?"  His answer was simple, He said, "Because you love."  Because you love, so simple yet so complex.  All God wants is your love, nothing more and nothing less.  He wants to love you and be loved in return, isn't that what we all want?

Have you ever been called by God to do something you were terrified to do?  I can think of a few instances in my life where that's happened.  As scary as it seemed at the time though, it was all for God's glory!  I'm writing this today because I think there's an important message that God wants to share.  I'll start by sharing the encounter that I had and the different passages of scripture Holy Spirit led me to in helping me to understand..  Hopefully you will be able to see and hear what it is God is trying to say, it is my sincerest hope that the Spirit of revelation will rest upon you as you read and perhaps answer some questions.

Less than a week ago, I was in a prayer meeting at my church.  We do something called harp and bowl prayer, its a combination of worship and prayer mixed together.  If you've never been to a harp and bowl prayer meeting, all I can say is that you're missing out.  It was about three-quarters of the way through when all of a sudden I was hit in the stomach by the Holy Spirit and couldn't move.  I've had encounters before with the Lord where He has touched me and I haven't wanted to move, but this was different.  I could not move.  I tried to pick my legs up off the ground one at a time and couldn't.  I looked around with my eyes to see if it was affecting anyone else and it wasn't, it was only me.  All of a sudden my hand started trembling. Then it trembled a little more and more until it was downright shaking.  I stared in disbelief as I watched my hand, unable to control the shaking.  It was terrifying.  I was completely overtaken by the power of God and my strength literally left my body.  Again I will say, it was terrifying.  All the while this was going on, there was someone outside the church walls burning grass or something but it brought into the church sanctuary the aroma of incense.  Strange, I thought, but was much more concerned about what was happening to my body.  All of a sudden, I had the  urge to push as if I were having a labor contraction.  I was crying as I told my husband later that night how real it felt.

Immediately following the service, the Lord gave me Isaiah 6:4  And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.  Hence the shaking and the smoke!  I went on to read the whole chapter of Isaiah six only to find out that Isaiah was being commissioned to go and prophesy doom to all those who oppose God!  Pretty heavy stuff, yes?  I wasn't sure that that's what God was trying to tell me but I wasn't' sure that He wasn't?  What I do know is for the next five days I was a complete wreck! 

The day of the encounter, I was in prayer when I received a vision.  I was standing on the edge of a vast wide sea.  Crystal clear water all the way through.  The sand was black and felt like pearls beneath my feet.  I could see a city in the distance that was the New Jerusalem.  I had been praying that the Lord would take me out into the depths of the riches and the wisdom of the knowledge of God and I heard Him say to me, "Come."  I stepped into the beautiful clear water and it felt wonderful around my ankles.  I went out a little farther and began to feel the freedom of this water as it hit my knees.  The next thing I knew, I was up to my neck in the water when suddenly, I panicked.  I reached my arms up to the Lord and He stretched His arm out to me as He stood on the water.  He pulled me up and set me on the water with Him which had turned into the sea of glass. It was there that He asked me to dance for Him.  Fear began to rise in my heart at this request and I simply said, "I can't, I don't know how."  I cried in His arms and asked Him to keep me there.


Over the next few days, I experienced much anxiety as I realized there was much more to the Lord's request than simply dancing.  He began to unfold in my heart other things that were changing that would require more sacrifice on my behalf.  He took me to the story in Mark 10 about the rich young ruler. 

Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler

¹⁷ Now as He was going out on the road, one came running, knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?”
¹⁸ So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. ¹⁹ You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Do not defraud,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”^[c]
20 And he answered and said to Him, “Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth.”
²¹ Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”
²² But he was sad at this word, and went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.


He spoke to me about how hard it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God and how that richness comes in many forms.  The next day He took me out to a lake and used the beautiful and the dull vacation houses to illustrated the parable of the ten virgins in Matthew 25.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

25 “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. ⁵ The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.

⁶ “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
⁷ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. ⁸ The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’
⁹ “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
¹⁰ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
¹¹ “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’
¹² “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’
¹³ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

My husband was mocked that day, publicly, for having a row boat but I tell you, the wind was in our favor!

Today, I've come to the place of full surrender.  I have God's blessing and I'm moving on with whatever He has prepared for me.  I read back through Isaiah chapters 6-8, which were the ones highlighted all throughout the week, and caught something.  This is where the message is, I believe.  In Isaiah chapter 8 verse 8 (the number eight symbolizes new beginnings) it says this in regard to the unbelievers living in Judah

He will pass through Judah, He will overflow and pass over, He will reach up to the neck; and the stretching out of his wings will fill the breadth of Your land, O Immanuel.

When I read that, I remembered the vision and being up to my neck in water.  This passage is talking about the unbelievers being overtaken by the king of Assyria!  How glad am I that I reached out to the Lord.  I believe that when He set me on the sea of glass, that is before His throne, He was giving me the commission to do the impossible, giving you and me the commission to do the impossible.  He said to me the other day as I read that, before I understood what it was all about, He said, "  The fear of God preserves me from the disquieting fear of man."  I didn't even know what that meant, I had to look up the word disquieting, it means to cause anxiety!  The fear of the Lord that fell on me the other night when I couldn't move was an act of preservation.  What happened as a result was that great anxiety came over me.  The very thing the Lord was trying to preserve me from!  But why? How? Because I had doubt and unbelief that I couldn't do what the Lord was asking.  I now believe in faith that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.








The Lord is commissioning His people right now for the very task of speaking His word forth in boldness and with power for His purpose and He's preserving His people against the fear of man in the process!  If He is calling you to the impossible right now, say yes!  He will give you grace!  He wants all your heart.  He wants you to go deeper into the things of Him and forsake the things and ways of this world.  Just like He told the rich young ruler, you must deny yourself and take up your cross to be like Me.  Jesus is looking for people that will be ready in the night with their lamps full of oil who know the sound of His voice.  Knowing the Lord intimately requires sacrifice.  How selfish and stubborn I felt when the thought of Jesus dying for my sins came to mind after I told Him I couldn't do what He was asking.  That is my selfish flesh talking! When the Lord asks you to do something, remember, He died for you and me!  Whatever it may be that He's calling you to, say yes, He will make it so worth it!  You will never want again.  Jesus said that whoever ate of Him would eat the bread of life.  The bread of life!  You can't buy that at Safeway!  The Lord is good and His promises are true.  He died on the cross for your sins and rose from the grave so that you too could have eternal life with Him.  He's getting ready to do something big and you don't want to be left out.  Consider the passage in Isaiah chapter 8 

⁵ The Lord also spoke to me again, saying:

⁶ “Inasmuch as these people refused
The waters of Shiloah that flow softly,
And rejoice in Rezin and in Remaliah’s son;
⁷ Now therefore, behold, the Lord brings up over them
The waters of the River,^[b] strong and mighty—
The king of Assyria and all his glory;
He will go up over all his channels
And go over all his banks.
⁸ He will pass through Judah,
He will overflow and pass over,
He will reach up to the neck;
And the stretching out of his wings
Will fill the breadth of Your land, O Immanuel.^[c]

⁹ “Be shattered, O you peoples, and be broken in pieces!
Give ear, all you from far countries.
Gird yourselves, but be broken in pieces;
Gird yourselves, but be broken in pieces.
¹⁰ Take counsel together, but it will come to nothing;
Speak the word, but it will not stand,
For God is with us.”^[d]

Fear God, Heed His Word

¹¹ For the Lord spoke thus to me with a strong hand, and instructed me that I should not walk in the way of this people, saying:

¹² “Do not say, ‘A conspiracy,’
Concerning all that this people call a conspiracy,
Nor be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled.
¹³ The Lord of hosts, Him you shall hallow;
Let Him be your fear,
And let Him be your dread.
¹⁴ He will be as a sanctuary,
But a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense
To both the houses of Israel,
As a trap and a snare to the inhabitants of Jerusalem.
¹⁵ And many among them shall stumble;
They shall fall and be broken,
Be snared and taken.”

¹⁶ Bind up the testimony,
Seal the law among my disciples.
¹⁷ And I will wait on the Lord,
Who hides His face from the house of Jacob;
And I will hope in Him.
¹⁸ Here am I and the children whom the Lord has given me!
We are for signs and wonders in Israel
From the Lord of hosts,
Who dwells in Mount Zion.

 
Don't be one who gets over taken by the deep waters, stretch your arms out to Him and ask Him to save you.  If you are afraid consider Psalm 111 which says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."  

Just another extraordinary day at the beach

I love spending time with my family at the beach.  It’s a time of new adventures, bonding with friends, reflection and fresh perspective.  I don't know why I don't come here more often?  It seems that every time I'm drawn to the ocean, its' because God has something special for me.  It's no mystery that when I ask Him to take me out into the depths of His love, He would bring me to a place like this to touch my heart.  His ways are not my ways, my ways are too small in meaning and in purpose to accommodate the complexity that goes into forming the kind of plans that God does.  I feel like I've accomplished something big if I have a menu planned out for the week before it's time to go to the store!

          Today is a special day.  God invited me here today to share with me a secret from my past to help me unlock the future and to draw my children closer to me in a way that I've been longing for.  I'm so excited!  I'm overwhelmed by God's love and kindness.  His compassion for me is so great that even as I sit here now at this cove leading into the vast, wide ocean, I can feel His greatness, His majesty.  He is so delighted as His great plans for my life are finally being revealed.  I can hear all of heaven rejoicing with the King for what He has done.  It's been years in the making for this very moment.  Our lives and the plans God has for us sometimes take years and years to develop and unfold and I just imagine God, praying for us, ever so patiently, to reach the milestones that make us say A-HA!  I get it!  I see now why I am the way I am and when the Spirit of revelation comes to rest upon us in that moment, I believe that all of heaven rejoices with Jesus for the glory of God that is released in that moment.  There is nothing like it!  It is joy inexpressible, a tangible expression of the heart of God speaking directly to mine the words, "I love you."

          When I was a little girl around the age of six or seven, my family went on a camping trip.  I remember my mother being really leery about the place we were at.  There were a lot of other people camped in close proximity to us and she knew things about some of them that made her more on edge than I was used to her being.  I have a lot of memories from this particular place, not all bad , but not all good either.  The general feeling that comes to me when I thing back was that it was not a very safe place and as a small child, I picked up on that. 

          I wasn't allowed to go outside our camp without my mom or dad but some of my older cousins had found a trail and were going in a group to check it out.  I was allowed to tag along and eagerly tried to keep up.  When we got into the woods I remember very clearly a strange darkness that seemed to close in on me the moment I stepped in.  It was the strangest thing.  I remember so vividly my cousins, running excitedly down the trail.  The sound of their breath as they pumped onward and sight of their feet leaping and climbing the trail before them is still as vivid in my mind as it was back then.  Those were the last things I remember before I found myself all alone.

          There I stood on a little wooden bridge completely surrounded by nothing but the sound of the trickling brook passing beneath my feet.  I was paralyzed with fear as I felt the darkness close in all around me.  I literally have no recollection of what happened during those hours between being left behind and being found.  I don't know if I sat there and cried, if I fell asleep or what I did?  All I remember was feeling paralyzed by fear and being unable to move from that bridge.

          My memory is foggy at this point but I vaguely remember seeing a man, whom I didn't recognize, leading my parents to where I was.  I can't recall how I felt in that moment but I remember crossing the threshold from the woods to the gravel again and feeling tremendous relief.  There was fear that told me I would never see the light of day again.  The familiar smell of campfire and dinner cooking welcomed me back to camp.  I think my cousins must have felt shocked to have just come out the other side of the trail without me.  I will never forget the sweaty, red, panic stricken looks on their faces upon my return.

          It's funny what you remember.  My girls are always asking me why does God allow this and that, and my answer is always the same.  God makes all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.  That's the only explanation I have for a lot of their questions and I think it's a good one.  We are all so uniquely designed in our own personalities and it's fascinating to me to think of the craftsmanship of God that goes into designing something so complex.  Can you imagine being in charge of crafting a personality?  I can barely get it together to create a Christmas dinner!  God is so brilliant, so creative in His ways that I can't even fathom the intricacy that goes into such things!  I guess that's why He gets to be God and we are just characters in His story.

          God gave me the gift of a great awakening today.  My girls are all growing and becoming less and less dependent on me, a realization that's taken me time to come to grips with.  I had the revelation today that I might just need them as much as they need me.  Maybe that's common knowledge for some parents but this just made my front page news!  I don't mean this in the sense that I need them to feel safe or I need to live vicariously through them, that's not what I'm talking about.  I need them in the sense that they hold the keys that unlock what has been hidden inside of me for many, many years, waiting to be revealed.  I don't know if I can explain it any differently than that? Let me share what happened today so that you may better understand.

          When we got to the beach this afternoon, we set up our blanket, let down our towels, took off our shoes and voila we were at the beach.  Savannah and her friend took off in one direction, Autumn and her friend took off in another direction and Sadie and I were left in the dust, or the sand, so to speak.  This wasn't really the picture I envisioned in my mind when we set out.  I'm just saying, maybe I live in a fantasy world part of the time, but I was just really hoping all of the kids would stay together and say, build a fort or something right next to me.  That way I would have a few hours to read one of the five new books I just recently picked up or maybe do some writing?  Yeah, that's not what happened. 

          The minute everyone took off, Sadie immediately became agitated over being left behind.  She tried to handle it by looking for sand dollars but after a few minutes of that she just sort of became really crabby, no pun intended.  She's the youngest of three so finding someone to play with has never been an issue for her.  There's always been someone there to dote on her or help her and now that her sisters are past the "little girl" stage she's just sort of alone a little more than she's used too.  On the one hand, I'm really glad she's only eight and still very much a little girl but on the other hand it's hard to watch her struggling with the fact that her sisters no longer want to play the same kid games she does.  She played in the sand quietly next to me as I scoured the water with my eyes looking for my other two.  Back and forth between the jetty and the water I searched to no avail.  My heart began to grow more and more troubled as time passed with no children in my sight.  Surely they will come soon to check in with me?  But why would they?....I left all the food in the van.

          I decided if they weren't coming to me, I would go to them.  We packed up what we had and headed closer to the jetty.  Surly they were there somewhere and I just couldn't see from where I was.  I'd get a closer look and everything would be OK.  They were nowhere in sight.  By this time, I was starting to feel some rather dramatic emotions.  I knew that there was a place that they had gone to play before that they called the dunes but I didn't know where it was and was pretty sure Sadie didn't either.  I felt the urgent need to be with my children but not because I was worried about them and needed to see that they were safe which is the usual reaction for someone who has lost their children.  It wasn't like that at all, it was strange.  I needed to find them and be close to where they were because I felt lost without them.

          Tears streamed down my cheeks as I came to this realization.  I had seen Sadie at the beach walk out about a hundred yards away from me before she stopped and looked back.  It was then that my memory was triggered and the Lord took me back to that place in the woods as a girl.  Sadie didn't want to be out of my sight because she knew it wasn't safe for her to go on by herself but there was an inner struggle happening that I could see.  She would look back at me, then look ahead.  Look back and me and then look as if she wanted to go on.  She was stuck in the middle of being dependent but wanting to be independent.  When she came back to me I was able to share my story with her.  The love and gratitude in her face told me that she understood and was glad that I understood her and what she's going through.  She is grateful to God for never taking His eyes off of us and never leaving us alone, even when we get lost in the wilderness.

          Sadie began to laugh again at the sound of her sisters playing at the dunes.  I was still crying and lugging about fifty pounds of various beach items.  The girls were all playing happily down at the water and Sadie ran to meet them.  I was so relieved to be close to my little flock again.  I sat my things down and began to take it all in.  I called the girls to me and you can imagine their faces when they see their mother standing before them in a place as glorious as this with tears all over her face.  They immediately asked me what was wrong and if I was OK?  I told them the story of the little girl who had been left behind in the woods.  I told them how I needed them to let me know what they are doing and where they are going, not because I need to have control and know every detail but because I don't want to be left behind ever again.  They all just sort of looked at me in a way that said, we get it.  They apologized with their words but the expressions of love and acceptance on their faces told me far more than what words could ever express.  They were grateful to have a piece of my heart and to have an  understanding of who I am as a person and not just their mom.  It may have been an answer to their prayers!

          Moments like these are precious to God.  I have suffered the pain of feeling alone a lot in my life but I don't regret it.  God chose to make me the way I am for a reason and if what I've had to go through has had to happen to make me into the person I am today then I rejoice with God and all the angels for what it's been.  What a great honor to have been chosen for such a divine story.  The story of my life!  You hear people say that in a negative way all the time, "Well that's just the story of my life!"  When really, God's story is the story of my life and I get it!  I get to be a part of it!  Not only that, but my kids hold the keys, they hold the keys to the rest of my story.  I am so excited for what God has planned next, I'm getting the feeling that this new season is going to revolve around my children and my role as their mother.  I pray that God will take me deep into His heart and reveal to me His secrets of being the kind of parent that every child deserves.  I have never been as deeply in love with anything as I am with God right now.  All glory goes to Him!