As the deer pants for the water brooks, So pants my soul for You, O God.  Psalm 42:1

 

            We hear that passage of scripture, sing it, recite it, and pray it often to  the Lord but do we really understand what it means to pant for the Lord?  I have to tell you, I had no idea what I was getting into when I opened up my hands one day and prayed the prayer for hunger and thirst like that of the deer in this particular passage.  It seems like a sweet enough prayer to start off with but then I found myself inviting Him to wound me in the process.  I specifically remember saying the words, "Go ahead and wreck my heart God, wound me for the sake of hungering and thirsting after You."  Who prays things like that? I'll tell you, it's people who are possessed! Possessed by the Holy Spirit, that's who!

            Like many other wives and mothers, husbands and fathers for that matter, I find myself in the predicament of service that lacks the kind of appreciative response I hope for.  Day in and day out, we pour ourselves out for the people God has assigned to us hoping that they will receive our love and become  better human beings because they have been cared for with pureness of heart.  It's so easy to relate to the feeling of being overlooked and  we ache waiting for a return.  I find myself thinking thoughts like; I don't want to serve anymore, I wish I could run away, or plug into an old addiction or habit.  The destructive thoughts crash in on me like the waves and billows described in the same Psalm. In 42:7. It says, deep calls unto deep at sound of Your waterfalls and that's when we come to prayers that ask God to make us hungry and thirsty.  We know that only He can pull us out of our selfish pride and make us humble again but it takes a real acknowledgement of where our help comes from.  We need to confess that we need more love, repent for trying to do it on our own, and begin to hunger for the Lord's help.  He will feed those that earnestly seek Him!

            I think it's fair to say that many of us don't see our own value.  We can read what the Bible says and even believe and accept the love of Christ but we all inevitably want something tangible and secure to hold onto when every effort of our love seems wasted.  It's not that we don't believe in God, it's just that He is invisible and His ways don't make sense until His plan has unfolded.  I think about the scroll that was given to Ezekiel and the scroll that was given to John in Revelation.  Ezekiel saw the writing on the scroll, he saw it unfolded and when he put it in his mouth, it was sweet. John didn't see any of the writing, the scroll was sealed shut, and he had no clue what was about to hit him!  It too tasted sweet but when it got to his stomach, it made him sick.  As a result, the kind of vision God gave John was the kind that would change the whole course of human history.  He had no idea, he simply hungered for righteousness.  He was truly enslaved by the testimony of Jesus. Think of the reward for that kind of obedience!  If you can,  imagine a big table full of the finest foods and drinks available to mankind. Wouldn't you want to indulge yourself?  That's how it should be when we come to the word of God.  He has prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  The table in that scripture verse is the word of God!  When we eat at the table with Jesus and begin digest the bitter prophecies, we become something new that stretches ourselves into eternity with God.  We get a new vision like John did and yet we question our value?

            Our weak love is nothing in comparison to the love that God has for us.  Although we pretend that we have all we need and life is good, we know there is more, and we want it.  We want to lay hold of the kind of love that moves mountains, fulfills desire, and erases ache.  Only One can satisfy that kind of deep longing and only One should be allowed to. Jesus paid the ultimate price for our affections and we owe it to Him alone, no other god is worthy. In my history with God, it has been through pain that I have discovered intimacy.  I don't know if it's like that for everyone but it's what He uses to draw me close.  It's been a blessing to discover Jesus in the crucible of adversity because I have seen His raw emotions there.  He is a man that bled and ached for me.  There are sides to Him that paralyze my soul with the realization of His jealousy for me.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me one night that consecration to Him would be a lofty purpose and that remembering the fall would keep me humble.  Those words turn over and over in my head and yet as I climb the mountain, I'm looking for other ways to satisfy my deepest human longings. It doesn't sound like something I should be doing when my life is at stake  but the longings are real and were placed there by God, for God, to propel me on. When we ask God to wound us for His sake, it is the cry of the Holy Spirit within us.  Deep calling out to deep.  We have something tangible to hold onto, His word, and we need to be reminded to look for our promises. 

            There was something about the deer in Psalm 42 that perplexed me.  Animals run because of fear, so do humans for that matter.  I read that if a deer is wounded in the front part of its body and has a choice, it will leap uphill rather than down where water is easier to access.They are able to leap much farther when they are wounded too, enabling them to climb higher than before.  The higher up the mountain they go, the more pure the water they will find.  I imagine the deer in the Psalm being wounded near the heart and traveling up the mountain at record speed in search of pure water.  The pain from the wound is so intense that it causes the animal to move faster than ever in search of the remedy.  When we ask God for supernatural hunger and thirst, what we are really asking is for God to put us in circumstances that are so uncomfortable, we will run unabashedly to Him in search of the remedy.  How blessed are we who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for we shall be filled!

            What I've learned the most in the process of sorting out my own self-perceived inadequacies as a wife and mother is simply this.  I can't do it without His love.  My love is weak in comparison to His, I know because I've tasted something powerful enough to raise the dead.  I'm climbing the mountain of God and I'm bringing my family with me, whether they like it or not.  It's going to be difficult and hard to love them sometimes but that's where He comes in.  He will give all of us what we need to get there in one piece.  I may have to suffer a few wounds along the way but they will help me to climb to new heights and remember the reasons why I'm doing it.  I want to be remembered for the way I loved and if I have to loose everything for the sake of love, I want to be willing.  We will stand before the throne of grace one day, where the water is in it's purest form, and will be made completely whole.  We will lack nothing in that day.