Weakness

When it comes to admitting areas of weakness in my life it can be difficult because I try so hard to be strong in those areas.  One of my biggest weaknesses is that I don't like to do things by myself.  It is much more easy to have someone there to tell me what I should believe, how I should live, and how I should think, than it is for me to try and figure it out on my own.   I've made so many bad choices in my life, thinking they were the right ones, that I developed this image of myself as hopeless and helpless without someone there to tell me what to do.  I've trusted with my whole heart that the people in authority in my life have had all the answers and somehow knew better than anyone how to solve the conflicts of my life.  The bigger conflict constantly surrounding me has always been the same, where will I pledge my allegiance?  Will I pledge to man or will I pledge to God?  It always comes back around to the same place and the minute I turn my heart in complete surrender to the One who knows my innermost parts, the war begins and the devil rages.

The problem is not the devil.  It's not even the battle.  The issue lies within my own belief about who I am.  There are all kinds of things I could blame right now, that would make sense about how I came to be this way, but I don't want to do that.  This very moment, I know that my soul has been bought by the highest bidder.  Jesus Christ Himself bought and paid for me with His own blood and I know that makes me pretty special.  I would like to say that I understand the cost but in reality, if I did, I would see myself in a way different light.  I do not understand God's love.  I wish I could say I did, I wish I could say I had it and had enough to give to anyone who needed it.  I get forgiveness,  and then maybe, God will give me love for those I've forgiven.  More than anything, I want just a glimpse of what it would be like to love the ones that have hurt me in the worst way, with the kind of love that would cause me to give up my entire life just to save theirs.  For now I get to forgive and then I get to pray.

Whenever I get hurt, either by my own sin, or someone else's,  the first thing I always do is blame myself.  That's a tactic of the enemy to try and wear me down.  If he can get me to see myself the way he wants me to, eventually I will lay down my weapons.  Bitterness, resentment, shame, feelings of rejection and self hatred, all of these thoughts start moving through my mind like a nasty windstorm that wants to destroy anything and everything that stands for good.  The battlefield truly is in the mind.  What I have to do is stay focused on the only One who is able to calm the storm but I tend to panic.  I'm like my brother Peter that way, as soon as I take my eyes off of Jesus and start listening to the doubt in my mind, I start sinking and once I sink, I panic even more.

I said before that I don't like to do things by myself, that is one of my biggest weaknesses.  I know that I'm never really alone but during the times when I've sunk into the murky waters of my own mind, I need something tangible I can hold onto.  I think most of us are that way, who really wants to go through life alone?  God has given us to each other also to be of support to one another, to help each other up when we get knocked down during the trials of life.  There's more to it than that though.  We can't leave God out.  We can't not give God the credit when we pull through.  We can't ignore the fact that God Himself allows the storms to happen in order to manifest His glory through His son.  What if we get so wrapped up in where our help is going to come from that we forget that help is already here?

God's love is so much greater than any of us could ever fathom.  Right now, we all get to cash in on a little piece of it called forgiveness.  I say that only because I know there is so much more to it than that.  What was it like to knit me together and place me in my mother's womb knowing some of the things I would have to face?  What kind of compassion is that of a God who sees His children hurting all over the world because they are hungry at night and there's no one there to feed them or comfort them? What kind of joy does the God of the universe experience when a prisoner on death row accept the blood of His son as payment for his sin? I want to know this love, more than anything.

If God makes Himself strong where we are weak then I suppose the more I confess my weaknesses, the better off I'll be.  What I've learned through the process in this particular area is that when it really comes down to it, God Himself wants to be the calmer of my storm.  It's not really my storm after all.  He bought me, therefore all that I am belongs to Him.  There is a warning in the passage of scripture that says to put no trust in man but in God alone.  I believe that is because God is jealous for our affection.  He covets our trust.  If we go depending too much on sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, pastors, or any other authority, they will eventually let us down.  God allows that to happen so that He can come through and show Himself mighty to save.  Where I am weak, He is strong.  When I'm afraid to be alone and I'm standing in the middle of the battlefield with my weapons tightly secured, focused on Him, those words lose their power and my God wins for me, His beloved bride. With that kind of ending, why even try to be strong :).