The first day at home after I got out of treatment I was on my own. Shad had to go back to work and and I had two kids in school full time. Sadie was in preschool but only went three days a week so it was just her and I that day. I guess I felt OK about it, I mean I'd been a stay at home mom for years and wasn't an addict the whole time. I knew I'd have to take it one minute at a time. One of the benefits of aversion therapy is that I had absolutely no desire to drink. All of the physical addiction was gone, the thought of drinking made me sick. Now, I'd have to deal with the mental part of the addiction which meant I'd have to literally transform my way of thinking. Obviously, the way I'd been living before wasn't working for me. I was very obsessive compulsive and had thought patterns running through my head that were very destructive. Armed with positive affirmations, I'd get through my day. Some things would have to slide for sure but I was prepared with the knowledge that my health was more important than the dishes.
That first morning, I sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil. I was going to set a goal for the day. One thing that I would do to be productive was enough to start me off. It was going to be getting Sadie to go to the bathroom by herself. She knew how to use the toilet, I just always had to be there with her when she did. She had just turned five so it was time. That was my goal for the day. If I could work on that and make some progress, everything else could fall to the wayside. It was a good start to my new life. As I sat there pondering ways to accomplish the task at hand my husband called to check on me. I told him the plan of action for the day and sensed his relief that I hadn't fallen back into the old routine. He proceeded to tell me his plans for the day, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary. However, compared to my little goal on my little piece of paper, it seemed like a lot. I sat there for a minute waiting to see if my brain would process what he'd said but it didn't, so we said goodbye and hung up.
I sat at the table thinking about my goal for a long time. It was the first time since I could remember that I was focused on one thing. Nothing else mattered to me but helping Sadie find courage to go potty alone. Looking back on it now I realize that it was my first step toward learning to prioritize. I thought it was my nature to have all burners going at once. If there weren't four or five things going at a time on my watch I was uncomfortable. Kaos had become my friend. When all of that was cleared away and my focus was solely on my child and her well being, everything changed.
Positive affirmations played a key role in my recovery in the beginning. I had to accept the fact that I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of my kids. There was a lot of guilt centered around not being perfect that kept me from receiving love. If my house was out of order, I couldn't relax with my family. Disputes between siblings couldn't be handled because of my temper. I felt loathsome and unworthy of anything good so I drank to numb it all. When I learned how to use positive affirmations, all of that changed. It didn't necessarily happen overnight, my though pattern had to be replaced with another thought pattern and that can take time. Point being, if you say good things to your self and try to believe them, you'll eventually own those thoughts. I had affirmations taped up all around my house to help me remember in the beginning. They would sound something like this: I accept myself unconditionally, I enjoy being me, I'm the best I can be, I'm a worthwhile and valuable person. The most important thing I would tell myself is that I'm saved and that God has a plan for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment